Weekend Stroll - What Ifs

I was wondering of you wanted to take a weekend stroll with me.  I know, I know!  Impossible, right?  You are there and I am here.  Well, maybe not.  You don't actually have to be here for the stroll.  Besides, where I am, it's cold outside.  So, we are just going to make this a mental stroll.  I'm going to take a few minutes to step away from the funny in order to allow you into my mind for a moment.

Don't worry.  This is a guided tour.  We are going to stay on topic (for the most part).  And I will make this little cyber walk in the park as safe and confined as possible.  I couldn't let you run loose in my mind without boundaries and supervision.  I would surely lose most of you.  It's a weird place up there sometimes.  But it does have its moments of clarity.  Take this for example...

I used to sit around and wonder "what if".  You know the game.  You sit and wonder "What if I had purchased a lottery ticket?" Or, "What if I just asked for that girl's/guy's phone number?" Or even, "What if I had not eaten that entire peach cobbler?"  We all have those fleeting thoughts of "what if".  It's what makes us human.  We only live once in real life but we get to play the Blu-ray version of our lives over and over in our mind (complete with commentary).

The beauty of that is we get to change the outcome of any decisions we think should have or shouldn't have made.  We can even change the decision itself.  If we really think about it, we can even change the events that lead up to that decision.  So we have full control over what we want to think about when it comes to "what ifs".  Well, that really got me to thinking about things.  And I will pose this question to you (my readers) as well.

If you really could go back and change a decision you made, would you?  And even more so, what would you change?

I used to sit and think about going back an not hiding the fact that I was good at sports.  When I was younger, I never really played organized sports.  I did play 2 seasons of baseball.  I got a championship trophy and made all-stars one of the two season.  And the thing is that's the sport I was the WORST at.  I found out I was pretty good at basketball and even better than that at football.  Now, I originally couldn't play football because my mom wouldn't let me. (That's a whole 'nother story!)  But I never pressed the issue.  I just let a possible football career slip through my fingers.  If I had tried, there's a possibility I would be at the end of my career in the NFL or NBA right now and I could be RICH!  It's completely possible that I could have enjoyed a very successful career and would be retired or ready to retire by now.

I also used to think about what would have happened if I had pursued a career in acting.  I didn't appreciate acting when I was in elementary school playing Little Boy Blue in a school play.  I didn't even give acting a second glance when I was cast as Billy McCord in another elementary school musical.  (For those who don't know, Billy was the brother of Big Sam in the song "North to Alaska".  It was a riveting performance.  And I'm still wondering why I was snubbed in the awards.)

After that, I wasn't into anything acting-wise until I was in high school.  That's when I really took a liking to the stage.  I was in a several comedic productions. And I felt like I found my home there... especially with the improv stuff.  My friends and I would have a blast just getting in front of people and generally making a fool of ourselves.  But it was never sloppy.  Everything we did, was done with class... AND it was funny!  I enjoyed every single minute of the stage time I had in high school.

Then I went to college and I was planning on continuing the dream of becoming a world renowned actor.  But while I was in college I was told if I wanted to be in the play I would have to quit my job.  Well, I came from a poor background.  I needed that job to survive in college.  So that was my exit stage left... curtains close... no standing ovation.  After that I used to wonder, "What if I had stuck it out for one more play?"  Yeah, I tried a few smaller things while in college but it was never the same after that.  I let the dream die.  And so did the potential fame and fortune that came along with it.

I used to sit around and regret those 2 major decisions in my life.  I would beat myself up for adding the word "missed" to those opportunities I let fall to the wayside.  So, if you asked me right now, "If you could actually go back and make either one of those decisions over again, would you?"  My answer would be an easy and resounding...

"Nope."

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I wouldn't go back to take a shot at fortune and fame if I had the change.  And I don't blame you for it.  They were my dreams.  So, why wouldn't I go back for a chance at riches and celebrity status?  Well, I believe in the Butterfly Effect.  I believe I am at this very point and place in time because of EVERYTHING that has happened before it.  I believe if I were to go back and change even the smallest thing, nothing will be the same as it is now.  And the thing is, I LIKE where I am now and who I'm with.  If I were to go back and change anything I would never have met my beautiful wife.  And we wouldn't have these 3 adorable children.  And to me, that's not an acceptable risk.

My wife and I are struggling financially right now (like a lot of America) but I wouldn't trade any of it now or ever for the chance at my dreams past.  I mean, in my mind I think of it as, "Would I be willing trade my wife and kids for the life I could have had?"  And all I can say is that it's not worth it.  They ARE my acting career and sports superstar status all rolled into one.  I get to try all of my best comedy on them!  I get to watch them laugh.  I get to see the smiles on their faces.  When that happens I forget that there is even anyone else in the crowd.

I also get to be that sports icon.  I will play sports with my kids and they will think I'm the greatest football and basketball player in the world.  (My oldest is a gold medal winning gymnast.  So I'm not even going to act like I'm good at that sport.)  But I get to relive the Super Bowl, NBA Championship, NCAA Finals, National Championship AND the Professional Bowling Championship (ok, that one's a stretch) anytime I play with my kids.  People WITHOUT kids might think that's just being delusional.  People WITH kids know there is nothing else more real than that.

So I have decided to make sure I make more decisions NOW that won't be tied to a "what if" LATER in life.

Thanks for taking that weekend stroll with me.  I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too.  We must do this again one day.

Ummm... Awkward!

What do you say to a long lost friend after a lengthy hiatus?  I'm sure it depends more on the friend and less on the length of the silence.  But let's just say it is a very good friend.  You could start by saying, "I'm sorry!"  But then you have to acknowledge your screwup.  You might even have to talk about feelings and emotion and all of that mess.  So enter the "I'm sorry" at your own risk.

You could take the other option.  You can walk up to them as though not a day has passed and everything is just like it was yesterday (or a month ago... who's counting).  That plan of action also assumes a certain set of risks.  Oddly, depending on the situation, you might get HIT before having to talk about the same feelings and emotions and all of that mess you were going to have to talk about if you had just said you were sorry. (You gotta love lose/lose situations!)

Then there's the one chance in a billion that you don't even have to say anything.  You just walk into the room and all things begin align.  The lights adjust.  Birds begin to chirp.  Music plays.  Food begins to prepare itself.  This kids stop making noise. What? Yeah, I lost myself at that one.  I should have stopped at the food preparing itself.  The quiet kids just made everything unbelievable.

How about this... I will just start this post as if no time has passed since the last post.  In typical guy fashion, I'm going to ignore all feelings and emotions .  And if I get hit (which I probably will) then I will just get hit.  But be warned I will attempt to move out of the way and I have the reflexes of a cheetah. (Albeit a quite elderly cheetah with a limp and a retinal disorder.  So I might not even see it coming or be able to get out of the way if I do!)

The other day I was driving to one of the other locations for my job.  I do this all of the time.  (I'm sure it's not as much as they'd like but the point is this happens (best case) a few times a month.)  When I go I take the company vehicle.  It is a very manly white minivan with our logo on the side of it.  The vehicle is no frills.  And by no frills I mean NO frills.  There isn't power anything.  No remote anything.  I'm lucky the radio works.  I use the term "lucky" loosely because there's where the story starts.

I'm driving to my other location and listening to the radio.  I switch the station a few times just in time to catch the very beginning of a song I like.  And you know that's really hard to do.  Most of the time while scanning the stations you'll find the song you like either at the very end or at least at the point past your favorite part.  But this time I found the song at the beginning.  So I can start singing right away without being just a little bit upset about what all I've missed.  I even gave myself a mental high five. (In today's society, you have to take your victories when you can get them!)

I'm just singing away!  I'm also singing rather loudly because I'm the only one in the car.  When we are alone we always sing like we could win American Idol even though 99.999% of us would really only be a highlight in the bad (but really funny) auditions in the first few weeks.  So, I'm blasting out the song in true week 1 - 3 American Idol fashion when I get to a red light.  As I'm pulling up to the light I notice the car at the light is the same make and model of minivan that I'm driving... only green.  And normally at this point I would stop singing.  I don't mind singing crazy when I'm alone but at a red light there's an audience.  I'm not quite ready for Carnegie just yet.

But THIS time I didn't stop singing.  I don't know if it was the minivan kinship I had formulated in my mind within the last 2 second or if it was the fact that I saw the guy in the minivan singing as well.  Really, it was probably because the song was at the chorus and I didn't want to miss singing my favorite part.  This would prove to be one of the most awkward moments in my car driving history.

When I pull up next to the guy at the light I look over at him.  Again, this is something I don't normally do but I did THIS time.  When I look over at him, he looks back at me.  That's when we notice we are singing the SAME song.  I know most of you are thinking that there is nothing really awkward about that.  We were listening to the same radio station at the same time.  But here's the part that made this little scene awkward...  We were singing the chorus to the song "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer.  If you don't know it, here it is...

Just as I was striking up the band and making the fireflies dance and the silver moon was sparkling... we looked at each other and said, "So kiss me." (Listen to the song and you will understand.) Now, I don't know the exact moment the musical magnetism began to force our heads to face the objects of our horrible singing but we were definitely looking each other in the eyes when he asked me to kiss him as I did the same to him.

We were both completely shocked!  The light stayed red for what seemed like 2 eternities.  So we had to sit there next to each other and think about the moment.  I never looked back at him but I'm pretty sure we both stopped singing and were focused straight ahead.  When the light turned green, I was a gentleman and let him go first.  I figured if I drive slowly we wouldn't have to revisit the awkward moment again.  But I was wrong.  For the rest of the trip we got caught by EVERY red light!  So that funny feeling kept happening over and over again as I was pulling up next to him.

I really felt like I lost my MAN card that day but I'm not sure at which point.  And I'm fairly sure I haven't done enough "manly" things since then to get it back.  I guess I'm going to stop writing now so I can go watch some Pretty in Pink or Rent or Xanadu with my wife for a little while.  Both Clint Eastwood AND Chuck Norris would be proud!

Oh, and BTW... I'm sorry for waiting so long to write. :)

20,000 and Counting

I have an announcement to make.  Somebody, somewhere (probably in Wyoming) just became my 20,000th hit.  20,000th!!!  WOW!!! I know some of you are saying 20,000???  What took you so long?  To all of you who are saying that I give you a royal.... :-P

To the rest of you... I'm not sure what took me so long. :)  10,000 of those are ME so I should have hit this number MUCH sooner.  Also, I have spent my life studying and researching what people want.  I have made spreadsheet after spreadsheet, charting and measuring what it will take to make sure I please the masses.  And apparently it's NOT working.  I really need to re-evaluate my methods of cultural wooing because I suck.  Maybe I should just offer money.  Then I would probably read my OWN blog instead of just clicking for the hits.

Maybe I should focus more on the ever-growing 62 - 68 year old female skateboarding Mercedes mechanics demographic.  That's what my magic computer program tells me anyway.  (I have been debating on getting another program to pick the right demos to appeal to.  This latest suggestion might have made my decision for me.)  But whatever it is, I really wasn't planning on hitting that particular number.  Especially when I found out that just because you write it doesn't mean people will read.  Apparently, that "Field of Dreams" logic only works in the movies.

I have chatted with a few bloggers who I think have GREAT sites and most took a while to reach 20,000 hits.  So I'm convinced it doesn't particularly have anything to do with my crappy content.  Because their content is WAY better than mine and it took them a while, too.  So, I'm leaning on the side of luck in this case.  Just consider me lucky.  I'll take it.  I would rather be lucky than good anyway.

I was going to end it with that but before I could post this I saw something else I consider noteworthy but wouldn't be enough to have a FULL blog about it.  But I just thought it was interesting.

Imagine this 2 times plus 4 more figures.

The other day I went grocery shopping. Of course that's not news.  I grocery shop every Sunday morning.  (Something that IS worth mentioning is that I actually found EVERYTHING on the list (including some "made for her" junk that was added while I was in the checkout line (grrr)).  This seldom happens and is almost more notable than 20,000 hits!)  But as I was leaving, I saw a car that had those cute little stickers on the back that show all of the members of the family.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  The ones where you know the dad is a businessman because his little figure has a briefcase and the daughter is a cheerleader because her little figure has pom poms.  Well... this car had 18 stickers!!!  (At first I thought it was my friend SPUDS but it would have to have at least 8 more figures.) I had to actually STOP to count all of the people in the family.  There was mom and dad.  Then there were 12 kids (their own little "Cheaper by the Dozen").   (Some of you are adding that up and saying, "DUDE that only equals 14!"  And your math would be correct.  But they also had stickers for their 2 cats and 2 dogs.  I actually laughed because the pets were stick figures too and with THAT many mouths to feed, those stickers were probably accurately showing what the pets looked like.)

Those stickers went ALL the way across the back window.  I had never seen anything like that.  It looked like Egyptian hieroglyphics!  (I couldn't quite translate it, though.  I narrowed it down to either it was telling me the world was going to end on New Years Day, 2012 or that Best Buy was having a 2 for 1 sale on big screen TVs next week.  I'm sure neither translation was accurate but I know which is more likely to happen.  So I'm going to party like it's 2011!)

I also couldn't help but think... Good thing the parents opted for the luggage rack package on that Nissan Quest they were driving or they wouldn't have ANY place for those extra kids.  If I were them, on my Sunday grocery trips, I would strap 4 car seats to the top of the car in the luggage rack with the actual kids names taped to the back of the seat.  That way, anyone reading that back of my car would really have to think if those car seats are really used this way or not.  (I would also embellish the joke if I saw people staring at the car when I came out of the store.  I would start calling for one of the kids whose name is on one of the car seats.  After a quick search, I would end it with, "I told Johnny to stay right there (pointing at the car seat) until I got back!  Oh, well... I have 11 more just like him at home.")

That would make ME laugh.  And I guess that's what really matters. (At least that's what my computer program tells me.) :)

For my latest blog post at Nashville Parent Magazine, 

CLICK HERE.

Second Home

I want to direct your attention to my new location. No, no... I'm not going anywhere.  I just have a second home.  I am doing a little writing for a parenting magazine.  (I know, right?  They obviously don't read my blog.  I won't tell if you won't.)  They have agreed to post some of my works and I have agreed to go to some much needed parenting classes.  So, while I'm in class, please enjoy this little blurb I posted on their site.  

http://www.nashvilleparent.com/connect/blogs/np-staff/operation-extract-and-toss

This is Your Second Notice (Please Pay Your Attention on Time)

I will be jumping in a few directions today.  Some of you will keep up and some of you won't.  Either way, you can always soak this up at your own pace.  Because I personally HATE when people try to change me and not let me do things on MY time.  So with that in mind... HURRY UP AND READ!

The first NEW thing I have noticed is that I wake up just about EVERY morning with a song in my head.  Some people might think that's cool... It's not.  The song is often loud and it repeats over and over and over... and over to what seems like infinity. Of course it can't really go to infinity.  I'd surely die before then, right?  (I'm still trying to work out the details on this one.  A lot of things are up in the air right now.  I'm still trying to work out NOT dying without turning all glittery in the sunlight.)  But the point is it goes on and on and I can't stop it!  It's not enough to drive me crazy but it is enough to REALLY get on my nerves.

And here's the worst part of this... It's never even a good song!  I don't wake up to good stuff like Prince or classic rock or Evanescence or Old School Hip-Hop or some Motown or really just about ANYTHING from the 80s.  No, it's always those really dumb songs my kids listen to.  It's usually some Lady Gaga mess or some Justin (Leave It To) Bieber mess or some Ke$ha mess or really just ANYTHING from Disney.  (My stomach is turning just from writing the word Disney when talking about songs.  I have to take a moment.  I'll be right back.  And don't even get me started on Kidz Bop junk!)

Most of the time I don't even know the names on the songs.  My mind just decides to pick out the the most annoying parts of the stupid songs and play them over and over.  (And considering the songs, my mind has a LOT of annoying parts to choose from.)  It's playing so much in my head that I'm starting to wonder if I'm breaking any kind of copyright laws in my morning routine.  And if all of that wasn't bad enough... the part that almost makes me want to end my (possibly infinite, glitter-free) life... the part that makes the problem ten times worse... the part that makes me want to do harm to my favorite little cartoon mouse from my childhood... the part I TRULY detest is when the song in my head keeps building and building up to the point of explosion and my mind can't find a way to get it to stop.  That's usually when I freeze in horror because I just caught myself singing it out loud in the shower!  I don't even feel human at that point.  I really wish I hadn't noticed ANY of that.

But enough of that topic.  Let's move on.  Here is another thing I noticed.

The other day I was behind a person who was driving crazily.  (That actually looks weird to write but I think it's proper English.)  The driver was speeding.  He (Yes, honey.  I said HE.  You get your ONE.) was switching lanes.  And it wasn't the normal kind of lane switching.  It was the kind where he wanted to go into the other lane but somewhere in the middle of lane changing he decided that it's too much of a commitment to go into a new lane at this point in his life.  But instead of going back to his original lane right away, he just decided to ride in BOTH lanes presumably waiting for the road to shift underneath him and make the decision for him.  THEN he finally make a choice he can live with and turned the wheel of the car to go back to the original lane.  But when peer pressure, or zombies, or the IRS, or something else (just as scary or convincing) invisibly occupies the original lane, he immediately cut the wheel back and went into the lane he had commitment issues with before.  

(I call this the possum move.  If any of you have ever seen a possum cross the road then you understand what I'm talking about.  I have run over a many o' possums (get it) that have crossed from my side of the road and safely made it to within a foot of being off the entire road on the other side only to look up and see me coming and then deciding the safest course of action would be to RUN ALL THE WAY BACK across the street to their original starting point... on MY side of the road.  And this is really bad to say but I don't even feel bad hitting them anymore.  I'm never mean to a creature but that kind of idiocy really hits a nerve in me.  Plus, after you hit them you can't tell if they are really dead or just playing... well... possum.)

So the guy gets into his lane just as we get to the red light.  He stops a little past the white line that goes across the road telling you this is as far as you should go if the light is red.  But that wasn't a big deal.  We all do it.  Who can stop before crossing that line every time?  But this guy start inching forward.  Now, mind you, the light JUST turned red so it's not turning green any time soon.  But he doesn't care.  He keeps inching and inching forward.  After about 15 seconds of this (I promise you) his whole car is past the white line.  Cross traffic is now starting to slow down because they think they might hit him as they pass.  So I stayed far enough behind him in case he wanted to back the car up in compliance with the law.  He never backed up.  As a matter of fact, he stayed there and might have inched a few more times before the light turned green.  And just to top off everything before the light changed, he threw his cigarette out the window... litterer!

Finally, the light turns green and he takes off!  He gets through the intersection and then cuts BACK over into his original lane.  The person in the car who was ACTUALLY (and not invisibly) occupying the lane had to slam on their brakes to keep from getting hit by this person who obviously didn't care about the law or his fellow man.  I started to think that the person must really have an emergency on their hand and is not thinking clearly at this moment.  But before my mind could finish excusing the crazy driver and giving him the benefit of the doubt, the driver turns into a car dealership.  REALLY???  THIS was the emergency I was about to give him a mental pass for?  Now that I've told you what anyone would have seen.  Let me tell you what I noticed.      

The person who violated at least 4 to 5 laws (in just the 3-minute span that I had seen him) had a HUGE window decal covering the passenger side rear window of Jesus. After watching that scene, I'm pretty sure that's NOT what Jesus would do.  If you are a believer then I understand if you want to display your love for your savior with a gaudy, vinyl testification in your rear window.  It's your right.  I also understand that no one follows the rules ALL of the time.  But this case...THIS case makes me think that if Jesus HAD been in the car with him, he would have gotten out at the car, WALKED to City Hall and filed a Temporary Restraining Order on this person.  I couldn't help but think the guy probably also had one of those "Jesus is my copilot" bumper stickers but Jesus, HIMSELF, came down and scratched that sticker right off of the back of that car.  I don't know.  To me, it's kinda like being a Red Sox fan but going out and buying Yankees stuff.  There is no direct rule against that but if you really have that conviction those actions should make you feel a little dirty.

Well, I guess I will leave you with that.  It was a little hard to write this with the songs going on in my head right now.  But I managed to put the mute on my mind while I finished up.  Now, if I can just figure out how to do that in the shower.