Don't worry. This is a guided tour. We are going to stay on topic (for the most part). And I will make this little cyber walk in the park as safe and confined as possible. I couldn't let you run loose in my mind without boundaries and supervision. I would surely lose most of you. It's a weird place up there sometimes. But it does have its moments of clarity. Take this for example...
I used to sit around and wonder "what if". You know the game. You sit and wonder "What if I had purchased a lottery ticket?" Or, "What if I just asked for that girl's/guy's phone number?" Or even, "What if I had not eaten that entire peach cobbler?" We all have those fleeting thoughts of "what if". It's what makes us human. We only live once in real life but we get to play the Blu-ray version of our lives over and over in our mind (complete with commentary).
The beauty of that is we get to change the outcome of any decisions we think should have or shouldn't have made. We can even change the decision itself. If we really think about it, we can even change the events that lead up to that decision. So we have full control over what we want to think about when it comes to "what ifs". Well, that really got me to thinking about things. And I will pose this question to you (my readers) as well.
If you really could go back and change a decision you made, would you? And even more so, what would you change?
I used to sit and think about going back an not hiding the fact that I was good at sports. When I was younger, I never really played organized sports. I did play 2 seasons of baseball. I got a championship trophy and made all-stars one of the two season. And the thing is that's the sport I was the WORST at. I found out I was pretty good at basketball and even better than that at football. Now, I originally couldn't play football because my mom wouldn't let me. (That's a whole 'nother story!) But I never pressed the issue. I just let a possible football career slip through my fingers. If I had tried, there's a possibility I would be at the end of my career in the NFL or NBA right now and I could be RICH! It's completely possible that I could have enjoyed a very successful career and would be retired or ready to retire by now.
I also used to think about what would have happened if I had pursued a career in acting. I didn't appreciate acting when I was in elementary school playing Little Boy Blue in a school play. I didn't even give acting a second glance when I was cast as Billy McCord in another elementary school musical. (For those who don't know, Billy was the brother of Big Sam in the song "North to Alaska". It was a riveting performance. And I'm still wondering why I was snubbed in the awards.)
After that, I wasn't into anything acting-wise until I was in high school. That's when I really took a liking to the stage. I was in a several comedic productions. And I felt like I found my home there... especially with the improv stuff. My friends and I would have a blast just getting in front of people and generally making a fool of ourselves. But it was never sloppy. Everything we did, was done with class... AND it was funny! I enjoyed every single minute of the stage time I had in high school.
Then I went to college and I was planning on continuing the dream of becoming a world renowned actor. But while I was in college I was told if I wanted to be in the play I would have to quit my job. Well, I came from a poor background. I needed that job to survive in college. So that was my exit stage left... curtains close... no standing ovation. After that I used to wonder, "What if I had stuck it out for one more play?" Yeah, I tried a few smaller things while in college but it was never the same after that. I let the dream die. And so did the potential fame and fortune that came along with it.
I used to sit around and regret those 2 major decisions in my life. I would beat myself up for adding the word "missed" to those opportunities I let fall to the wayside. So, if you asked me right now, "If you could actually go back and make either one of those decisions over again, would you?" My answer would be an easy and resounding...
"Nope."
My wife and I are struggling financially right now (like a lot of America) but I wouldn't trade any of it now or ever for the chance at my dreams past. I mean, in my mind I think of it as, "Would I be willing trade my wife and kids for the life I could have had?" And all I can say is that it's not worth it. They ARE my acting career and sports superstar status all rolled into one. I get to try all of my best comedy on them! I get to watch them laugh. I get to see the smiles on their faces. When that happens I forget that there is even anyone else in the crowd.
I also get to be that sports icon. I will play sports with my kids and they will think I'm the greatest football and basketball player in the world. (My oldest is a gold medal winning gymnast. So I'm not even going to act like I'm good at that sport.) But I get to relive the Super Bowl, NBA Championship, NCAA Finals, National Championship AND the Professional Bowling Championship (ok, that one's a stretch) anytime I play with my kids. People WITHOUT kids might think that's just being delusional. People WITH kids know there is nothing else more real than that.
So I have decided to make sure I make more decisions NOW that won't be tied to a "what if" LATER in life.
Thanks for taking that weekend stroll with me. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too. We must do this again one day.
I like those strolls now because, like you, I am at the point where I wouldn't want to do anything that would alter my current life/family. There was a time, not so very long ago, when I didn't feel the same. When I was pg with my youngest, I dealt with an obsessive longing to go back to my freshman year of college (I say freshman as though that wasn't the ONLY year I went, LOL) and NOT attend a certain football game. The events that followed that game changed the course of my life in such a negative way that 20 years later I was still in pain over it. Of course I realize now that it was those wacky pregnancy hormones that likely triggered my fixation with that particular event from my past. No more babies = no more desperate searching for a time machine, right? :)
ReplyDeleteoh am so upset now google ate my comment...
ReplyDeletewas a long one too...
ok short version...
I walked with you in my head and totally agree 1000% with you!
thanks for the invite... What ifs are like wind, you can never capture it and you never know where it's going. It's easy to think that the consequences of changing your decisions would make things better but you never really know.
ReplyDeleteI, too, look back on the "what if's" a lot here lately. My answer is the same as yours. Nope. I wished at times that pain would leave me and in time it did.
ReplyDeleteDon't make me break out in a Rascal Flatts song of "The Broken Road"!I will try to contain myself at 3 am as my family snoozes and i feel the urge to YOU TUBE the song.
Enjoy the good times because we know that those too can be short lived and those "what if" times may be back.
Interesting theories. I don't really live in the "what ifs" of the past. Most of mine involve the "what ifs" of the future. Most people call that "worry" but not ALL of my future "what ifs" are bad. I think "What if we win the lottery?" or "What if my daughter becomes the first female president?" That's called "wishful thinking" I guess.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know EXACTLY what you mean about being a star to your kids. I was mystery reader for my son's Kindergarten and by the time I left I felt like a rock star...and I can't carry a tune so that was never one of my dreams!
yeah. I used to play the "what if I didn't marry the italian?" game. (I'd probably still be stuck in south Georgia, saying words like "ain't" and "goober"). He showed me the other side of the world. And I don't regret anything, exactly as you say, because I have two wonderful children by him. And I love the big lunk.
ReplyDeleteI do wish I could get my 20 year old body back, though.
Nice stroll. :D
*shudder* That opening paragraph ending with "I'm going to...allow you into my mind for a moment."
ReplyDeleteI contemplated closing my browser really quickly, but I knew you would still be able to suck me in. It felt like the opening paragraphs from the movie Arsnic and Old Lace - seemingly innocent, but you know there are horrors coming. ;-)
I play the "what if" game as well. I would not change a thing. You are a wonderful husband, caring father, and fantastic person. We have 3 amazing, funny, crazy and talented kids that I would not trade for the world. I love you!
ReplyDelete@SandyAnnDee - Yeah, my date would be about 8 years ago. If I had asked myself the same question then, I would have easily gone back.
ReplyDelete@Laura~Peach~ - So if I had asked if you wanted to go back right after Google ate your post you would probably have said YES! :)
@SY - I think you hit it right there. Even if you go back with exactly the same knowledge there is a chance you could change things for the worst!!! Then you'd have to go back and do it again. It would be like and extended version of the movie Groundhog Day.
ReplyDelete@Heather - I'm not sure if I have heard the Rascal Flatts song but I probably have. My wife was probably happy at the exact moment you started typing their name in.
@The Mommy - Isn't that the greatest feeling when you know you don't do something well but your kids make you think that you do. It's like reverse American Idol!
ReplyDelete@Tammy - I'll have to step back from this comment so I can look at the bigger picture as to why saying "ain't" and "goober" is bad. This might take a while. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.
@Missy - HA! I fooled you. Or saved you depending on how you look at it. But the first couple of trips into my mind will definitely be mild.
ReplyDelete@The Wife - I love you, too! If I ever have any more What Ifs, none of them will be before the moment I met you.