Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Greatest Blog Post Ever

This is the greatest blog post in the world...

...tribute. (Thank you Tenacious D)

I was putting together... (Hmmm.... I need something stronger to show the significance.) I was  assembling... (Still not there.) I was designing and constructing from the atomic level up what was going to be the greatest blog post to EVER be displayed in digital format!  (better) It was complete with plot and subplot with an occasional sub-subplot on the side.  It had action!  It had adventure!  It had guns and knives and puppies.  (Don’t ask.  I’m not sure why I grouped those together either.  And if you ask why I did it I will be forced to make up something that sounds pleasing to the both of us even though we would both know it’s a lie.)  

It had mystery and romance.  (Probably had a little more mystery than romance since, one, I know a little bit about and the other I have absolutely NO clue at all about.  I’ll let you figure that one out on your own because I will never tell. (See... pretty good at mystery part.)  It had earth, wind and fire. (The elements were there, not the band.  Although, there were already plans for the band to show up in the made-for-tv movie.)  And then to top it all off, there was a complete section just on naked mole rats!  (I hope your filter didn't block it because I used the word "naked"... twice.)   As you can see, this blog post would easily have been the first blog entry in the history of the world to win a Pulitzer.  Now, why am I not able to bring you this (potentially) award winning post?  I blame my wife.

My wife took my words (which I’m surprised didn’t glow with the power of the ages) and tossed them into the trash.  You have to know something about my wife.  She has this weird thing where she wants our home to be clean.  (I know... the nerve, right?  I mean... who even does that cleaning thing anymore?)  It’s not at an OCD level (except on those really special occasions like when company is coming over) but she likes the place to generally stay clean.  If I had known that BEFORE we got married...

But anyway, she just threw them away.  I had carefully scribbled all of my important words onto the back of an envelope and placed on top of the entertainment center where important papers are supposed to go.  I thought that location would automatically give the paper an inherent level of elevated stature.  I was bold enough to defy the unwritten rule of not putting "paper" on top of the entertainment center.  So that should have let her know right away how truly important those words were.  (Honestly, I think the unwritten rule was actually WRITTEN but my wife was cleaning one day... well, you know the rest.)

Also, the words were on the back of an envelope.  They weren’t on a regular sheet of paper like mere common words.  These were specially designed words written on specially designed paper.  See the connection?  My words were meant to carry a message.  Envelope... message... That’s the level I’m talking about right there.  You would have had to raise your level of consciousness to even get though the first paragraph.  The post would have been life changing.  

And I know some of you are still doubting the idea to scribble such important words on the back of an envelope to begin with.  And to those (who are obviously not writers)...  You never know when or where the inspiration will hit you.  You have to take what is in your environment to make sure the words are immortalized.  I can’t begin to tell you how many of my blog entries breathed first life on a couple of sheets of toilet paper because that’s what was available.  (After reading that last line I realize that sounds kinda disturbing.  But it just goes to further my point that you never know when you will be inspired.  It might be a sound.  It might be a smell.  You just never know what will inspire you.)

I did all of that warn you that the next post will not be as great as it would have been if I had been inspired at a different place or time OR if my wife didn’t like things to be clean and orderly.  The kids and I have been trying for years to change her way of thinking... It’s not working.  So that means you will be stuck with the reheated leftovers of one of the greatest meals of your life.  And if you are ok with that I will see you in a few days.