Thursday, February 10, 2011

Daddy's Got a Gun

My wife doesn't want me to have a gun.  But we have held off long enough.  I understand that safely owning a gun requires a lot of responsibility.  I have heard all of the arguments for owning and not owning a gun.  But there is one argument FOR gun ownership that speaks to me in a way that no other pro or anti argument ever has done before it...  My oldest daughter is turning 13 this year...

I'm getting a gun!

I'm sorry.  I used the term "a gun".  What I really meant to say was that I'm getting SEVERAL guns... and some snares... a few land mines... a katana... a yo-yo... a boomerang... some rocks...  a couple of sticks... some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (for bait)... an XBox (as a distraction)... and a rocket launcher!  (I probably don't NEED the rocket launcher but I believe anything worth doing is worth doing right (paraphrased from a statement made years ago by someone I didn't even know).)

I don't care what side you are on gun control, there should always be a clause in there that will allow a father to protect his daughter from a potential boyfriend.  And I'm not just talking about protecting her against the bad boys.  The good little boys can stay home too!  They are not welcome here either.  My daughters are not allowed to date until they're 30.  Then it's only a double-date with me and the Mrs.  This is a steadfast rule and there is ZERO room for negotiation.  I have already compromised on this once.  The dating age used to be 45!

I know some of you are asking, "But what about your sons?  Do you have the same rule for your sons as your daughters?"  And for those of you who would question my ethics and believe that I would have a different set of rules for my sons than for my daughters, I would say to you...  That is ridiculous!  I would never single out my kids based solely on their gender.  That is a terrible message to send to your children and I will have no part of the double standard ideology.  I plan to treat my sons the same way I treat my daughters.  And those statements would hold true even if I had sons (which I don't).  I treat ALL of my children equally. (Hee, hee.  Nanner nanner boo boo!  You thought you had me!)

But I know it's getting close to that age (not 30, mind you).  I have been dreading it like you dread sitting on the toilet in the middle of the night because you know it's going to wake you up with its subfreezing seat.  And I also want her to wait a few more years because I'm in the potty training stages with the little one. (Men don't like to multi-task.)  And at the rate the little one is going, my daughter will be 30 by the time that happens so the timing works out perfectly.  I might just make that the house rule, though.  When baby goes potty, you can go party. (I'm sure I will have to adjust that house rule so that it doesn't imply that she is ever allowed to party in any way, form or fashion.  I will also have to adjust it to make sure I reserve the right to change it completely (and I will) when the little one actually goes to potty.)

And parents, be warned... If you send your son over to my house to see my daughter you had better be prepared to have your son return a changed man.  It's nothing personal.  Any son that plans on coming over to even ask my daughters hand in friendship will have to pass several tests (that are impossible to pass).  He will then write a 12-page essay of his intentions with my daughter.  I will have him sign it, date it and get it notarized to make it official.  THEN and only then will I even let him through the front door.  That's when the formal interview process will begin.  (You can't be too careful these days.)  He gets bonus points if he comes in with a job and credit history readily available.  (Remember, this doesn't start until my daughter is 30.  So these are not unreasonable requests.)

After he passes that (which he wont) the guns come into play.  I'm not going to go into detail as to my plans for the arsenal because a potential friend of my daughter might read this ahead of time and will know what to expect.  And I cant give him ANY advantage in all of this.  Also, I've been told by my lawyer I don't need to put that sort of information in writing (especially a public forum) for legal reasons.  But lets just say... that's where the real fun begins.

But for the real fun to begin, I will need to purchase the above list.  And I WILL have a gun (guns) and there is nothing anyone can do about it.  Again, I understand the responsibility required to own one.  But age 13 is quickly approaching.  So a few purchases are in order.  Then, maybe, one day... in the future... I'm not sure how far yet... but definitely ONE DAY.... I will see if my wife will let me buy some bullets.

Monday, February 7, 2011

10 Things to Make the NFL Gain a Larger Audience

The Super Bowl is now over.  Some of you watched and some of you didn't.  And that's fine.  We all have different tastes.  But from all of the comments I got on my blog and in real life, I composed a list of "suggestions" that could (should) be adopted by the NFL to increase their audience base.  They are about to start negotiations for the new season so I will see if I can slide these suggestions into the conversation without people knowing it.

1. All team names should be named by kids.  If not all, then at the very least all of the teams with a losing record should relinquish their team naming right to children.  This will insure teams will play hard to try to keep from becoming the Pittsburgh Pikachus or the Tennessee Thomas the Trains or even the Miami Mickey Mouses (or is that Mickey Mice).  In addition to that, they get to draw the logo that will represent the team until they get a winning record.  So some teams, like Buffalo might not ever their names or logos back.

2. With the Go Daddy commercials causing a uproar each season, there's really no other answer to this one but to have some Who's Your Mama commercials.  There's really no company called Who's Your Mama, but with Go Daddy being hugely successful, it's a goldmine waiting to happen.  It would have *ahem* hot men dressed in very classy attire and only showing enough skin to sell internet domains... just like Go Daddy.

3. All games should be played in a dome.  But down the center of the field should be a loooooong Slip-n-Slide that goes from End Zone to End Zone.  That way, a player could really get a good head of steam at the 50-yard line, dive head first and SLIDE all the way to a touch down.  I know you are wondering how they can do that in a dome.  But you would just install a sprinkler system that runs down the middle of the dome.  And after every play they would turn the water on for just a second.  OR, with the NFL being a $9 billion industry, they could just hire people with water hoses to spray the middle of the field after each play.  That should cut the unemployment rate a little bit.  It's all about doing your part to help.

4. To borrow an idea from the other FOOTBALL (soccer) sport, field goals will be completely different.  First you would need to add a soccer net below the field goal posts.  It will be like a penalty kick.  There will be one kicker from the offensive team (the kicker) and one player from the defensive team there to stand in front of the goal.  The kicker will get one shot to kick it into the goal while the other player tries to block it.  The overtime rules could be the same too.  Each player on the team gets to kick and each player gets to defend.

I don't care how old he is.
He still looks 12.
5. All half-time shows would feature some Tween sensation.  I'm not a huge fan of this addition but we are trying to broaden the entire audience base.  Plus, I don't watch the half-time stuff anyway so this won't affect me as much.  But this will be the time for some Justin Biebers and some Miley Cyruses (if she's not in rehab by then) and some Selena Gomezes.  There are too many of these groups to mention but that's a good thing for the league because there are at most 16 games a weekend so they have plenty of spots to fill.  The trade-off, though, is that after they play during an NFL half-time, their songs CAN NOT be played on the radio for at least a week!  The NFL exposure should be enough.  WIN/WIN.

6. Every player's MOM should be sitting on the sidelines with them.  That would stop a lot of the fighting and most of the bad language.  It's hard to talk about someone's mama when their MAMA is sitting on the sidelines.  Also when you get a penalty, the moms get to decide what happens.  You might lose 10 yards.  You might lose the keys to your car.  You might even have to sit in timeout for a play or two.  With all of the NFL players getting in trouble these days, this might be one thing that would save the league as well.  But when a team calls "timeout" they will have to tell the refs which one they mean.

7. End Zone celebrations should be choreographed mini productions.  Right now, there is a penalty for "excessive celebrations" after a touch down.  We need to do away with that rule and give credit to the performing arts.  We would also need to tie some points to the celebration.  The funniest or most creative celebration will get the team some extra points.  And you get bonus points if you do a good job with some of the classics like Fantom of the Football Game (I know how to spell phantom) or a Michael Jackson music video.  You get SUPER bonus points if you get some of the beefy linemen in there dancing and singing too.  The only time there should be a penalty is when the celebration was dumb or unrehearsed or just didn't get the crowd pumped up.  The crowd would also either be given gongs (like the old gong show) or they will be give electronic devices to give stars like the old Star Search.  And if you don't get at least 3 star you lose points.

8. Instead of doing interviews after the game (which I hate), the losing team should be forced to sing karaoke with the song the winning team chooses.  There are no points for this.  It would just be a replacement of the already mandatory humiliating interviews they have to do after the game anyway.  There are only so many ways to say "We played bad.  They played good."  But there are a whole host of ways to sing it!

9. Trick plays should be encouraged.  And I mean plays where you hide the ball under your shirt or you throw it off the back of the head of a teammate or something.  All teams should have to sits through a seminar given by the Harlem Globetrotters on how to perform while playing at the highest level.  The team would replace the Gatorade bath they always give the winning coach with a bucket of confetti.  They would even be allowed to run up into the stand to perform certain skits or even bring people (mainly kids) out onto the field for some more funny hijinks.

10. Lastly... I REALLY like the Ewok idea I posted yesterday.  Who wouldn't want to see dancing Ewoks on the sidelines of football games.  That would truly be worth the price of admission.  You could even dress the Ewoks up in traditional Cheerleading Uniforms.  Does it get any better than that???

I don't know if this list will get everyone interested in the NFL but I'm sure I have sold one of these ideas to SOME people who wouldn't normally watch.  I mean, come on... Ewoks... dancing... looking like cheerleaders???  Anyway, if I haven't sold you on anything here, send me your idea of something that would be good to add to the sport.  I would love to hear some of your creative idea.  And I promise I will not GONG you... Ok, maybe not promise.  But I will try REALLY hard.

(There was a late entry that I would have put in #11 that the NFL shouldn't let Christina Aguilera ever sing the National Anthem again.  But my list only goes to 10 so this is merely an honorable mention at this point.)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Short Super Bowl Sunday Star Wars Post

Today is Super Bowl Sunday.  It's not a National Holiday but it should be.  Today's the day the evil Empire (Pittsburgh Steelers) is going to try control the NFL (once again) and destroy all in their path.  The only thing standing between them and total domination is Luke Skywalker (Aaron Rogers) and his unlikely group of Rebels (Green Bay Packers).  Will this showdown end like The Empire Strikes Back with Aaron Rogers getting his arm cut off and sent away licking his wounds.  Or will it end with Big Ben (Vader, black uni and all) getting carted off the field never to return like in Return of the Jedi? (Then the cheerleaders on both teams could be Ewoks.  That was be awesome! And it's not that I don't like cheerleaders.  But dancing EWOKS on the sidelines??? Priceless.)

I'm not a big fan of either team but I'm going for the Rebel Alliance today.  The Empire has won too many battles in the past so it's time for them to be humbled on this Sunday evening.  And, though, I'm not a big fan of either team, I will be eating a lot of food (what diet?), watching the commercials and generally having a good time.

On a quick side note... If you have Ornithophobia (fear of birds) then you need to stay about 2 cities away from my house.  There are about 1.2 million birds in my front lawn.  They are here to watch the Super Bowl, no doubt.  The joke's on them.  We are not having a Super Bowl party here.  We have one of those... what do you call it? Regular TVs.  There's nothing flat on it and there's nothing High Def about it (unless you squint a certain way).

That is all for today.  There might be a follow up tomorrow that no one will read either.  :) But I will leave you with my favorite Super Bowl commercial.  It started a sensation that has not been matched since.  Enjoy!  And may the force be with you.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Friday, February 4, 2011

Attack of the Girls - Heredity or Environment

To anyone out there in the blogosphere listening to this message, I have a question for you.  Is it heredity or environment that causes little girls to beat up on their father?  (Really, I'm just wanting to know if I can blame this sort of behavior on their mother.  I probably shouldn't have told that since 95% of my readers are women and I'm sure most of those are mothers.  Maybe I should re-word that...) I only ask this question because I want to make sure my lovely wife is not sitting up nights wondering if she's a good parent or not because she has raised her little girls to enjoy beating up their father.  This will be like CSI.  I will use this evidence to EXCLUDE my wife as a suspect.

I know my wife is going to say, "Well, they beat me up too."  But it's a little different with her.  They beat her up during the designated "beat up mommy time". Me??? I get beat up all of the time because they think it's funny.  After the nightly reading of books to the 2 little ones, the middle child looks at me with the little puppy dog eyes and says, "Can I have a hug and a kiss, daddy?"  To the innocent (naive) observer this sounds like a sweet gesture.  It sounds like a child who loves her father and who just can't sleep until she gets her assurance that he loves her back.  WRONG!!!!!  This girl wants me to lean in closer so that I can get within her arm's reach.  Because HER idea of showing daddy some love is thumping, hitting or punching her father into submission...  EVERYNIGHT! I didn't teach her that!  I have no idea where she got that one from.  I'm not even going to get into the hand smashing that goes on when I'm reading the books to her.

Yo Gabba Gabba
Then the 2YO... She always wants me to beatbox.  You know, like Buffy from the Fat Boys or Doug E. Fresh.  And if you don't know them, you might know Biz Markie because he is on Yo Gabba Gabba now.  (He used to be a mean beatboxer back in the day.  My, how the mighty have fallen.)  Anyway, she wants me to beatbox so she can join in.  And, again, on the outside looking in that looks sweet.  It looks like she wants to perform a sweet duet with her father. NAY, NAY NAY!!!  She wants me to make the noise with my mouth just so she can trump it with an even GREATER noise from hers.

She opens her mouth and nothing comes out at first.  I can only guess that the squeal she is making is at such a high frequency that humans can't hear it.  Realizing that this does not have the effect she wants, she brings the tone down to audible levels.  But really, just barely to that level.  It still has to be at a high enough level to shatter glass and bust daddy's ear drums.  As I involuntarily hit the floor due to a pain that starts in my ears, goes down my spine and ends right around my pinky toe, two things happen.

One, she starts her maniacal laughter.  She finds this weakened state her father is in... is funny!  Not just normal haha funny.  I'm talking HAHA, LOL, LHLTBO (Laugh Her Little Toddler Behind Off), I can't believe this is not butter FUNNY.  And just when ringing dampens and my hearing slowly starts to come back, she goes into part two... "Again, daddy, again!"  And as bad as that is it doesn't even cover the crown jewel (no pun intended) of the anti-daddy behavior.

She also likes to make it look like she is going to give daddy a hug when I come home.  At which point she yells, "Daddy, daddy!!!" and comes running toward me.  She looks like she going in for a child-like loving bear hug.  But right at the event horizon of a safe hug or a disaster she always seems to lead with her head and chooses disaster.  That's when she shows the true colors of her intent and it is to destroy the crown jewels (pun intended).  And I know she is targeting daddy with this attack because she never hits mommy in the crown jewels... You know what?  That's a bad argument.  Scratch that statement from the record.  But you know what I mean.

Now, the oldest child is a little different.  She is the most dangerous of the kids.  Her attacks on daddy are swift.  They are accurate.  They are very calculated.  AND they are efficient.  She is very stealthy with her attacks.  I never see them coming even if I'm expecting something.  Her attacks are also deadly.  She doesn't play little mind games like her little sisters.  She is seasoned and very well trained.  She knows how to hit me where it hurts.  She goes straight for the wallet.  She disguises her attacks by making it look like she needs things like a school trip or construction paper for a class project or food and water.  Whatever!  I know better.  It's just another attempt to hit daddy and laugh about it.

I guess I will just have to suck it up and continue moving forward.  From what I understand the hits are going to keep on coming.  And apparently they get harder.  There's outward defiance, boyfriends, college and weddings and mess like that.  I'm going to keep searching because I'm sure this is a conspiracy of some sort.  I refuse to believe this is hereditary.

I think I really need to look into more WIN/WIN situations since they like to see their father in pain.  Maybe I should take them to watch me play golf.  As bad as I am at that, they wouldn't stop laughing for weeks!  My next post might just be about how I tried to pass that by my wife as a more constructive way for the kids to enjoy time with their father.  I will succeed where as generations of fathers have failed!  (This should be fun.)