Friday, February 4, 2011

Attack of the Girls - Heredity or Environment

To anyone out there in the blogosphere listening to this message, I have a question for you.  Is it heredity or environment that causes little girls to beat up on their father?  (Really, I'm just wanting to know if I can blame this sort of behavior on their mother.  I probably shouldn't have told that since 95% of my readers are women and I'm sure most of those are mothers.  Maybe I should re-word that...) I only ask this question because I want to make sure my lovely wife is not sitting up nights wondering if she's a good parent or not because she has raised her little girls to enjoy beating up their father.  This will be like CSI.  I will use this evidence to EXCLUDE my wife as a suspect.

I know my wife is going to say, "Well, they beat me up too."  But it's a little different with her.  They beat her up during the designated "beat up mommy time". Me??? I get beat up all of the time because they think it's funny.  After the nightly reading of books to the 2 little ones, the middle child looks at me with the little puppy dog eyes and says, "Can I have a hug and a kiss, daddy?"  To the innocent (naive) observer this sounds like a sweet gesture.  It sounds like a child who loves her father and who just can't sleep until she gets her assurance that he loves her back.  WRONG!!!!!  This girl wants me to lean in closer so that I can get within her arm's reach.  Because HER idea of showing daddy some love is thumping, hitting or punching her father into submission...  EVERYNIGHT! I didn't teach her that!  I have no idea where she got that one from.  I'm not even going to get into the hand smashing that goes on when I'm reading the books to her.

Yo Gabba Gabba
Then the 2YO... She always wants me to beatbox.  You know, like Buffy from the Fat Boys or Doug E. Fresh.  And if you don't know them, you might know Biz Markie because he is on Yo Gabba Gabba now.  (He used to be a mean beatboxer back in the day.  My, how the mighty have fallen.)  Anyway, she wants me to beatbox so she can join in.  And, again, on the outside looking in that looks sweet.  It looks like she wants to perform a sweet duet with her father. NAY, NAY NAY!!!  She wants me to make the noise with my mouth just so she can trump it with an even GREATER noise from hers.

She opens her mouth and nothing comes out at first.  I can only guess that the squeal she is making is at such a high frequency that humans can't hear it.  Realizing that this does not have the effect she wants, she brings the tone down to audible levels.  But really, just barely to that level.  It still has to be at a high enough level to shatter glass and bust daddy's ear drums.  As I involuntarily hit the floor due to a pain that starts in my ears, goes down my spine and ends right around my pinky toe, two things happen.

One, she starts her maniacal laughter.  She finds this weakened state her father is in... is funny!  Not just normal haha funny.  I'm talking HAHA, LOL, LHLTBO (Laugh Her Little Toddler Behind Off), I can't believe this is not butter FUNNY.  And just when ringing dampens and my hearing slowly starts to come back, she goes into part two... "Again, daddy, again!"  And as bad as that is it doesn't even cover the crown jewel (no pun intended) of the anti-daddy behavior.

She also likes to make it look like she is going to give daddy a hug when I come home.  At which point she yells, "Daddy, daddy!!!" and comes running toward me.  She looks like she going in for a child-like loving bear hug.  But right at the event horizon of a safe hug or a disaster she always seems to lead with her head and chooses disaster.  That's when she shows the true colors of her intent and it is to destroy the crown jewels (pun intended).  And I know she is targeting daddy with this attack because she never hits mommy in the crown jewels... You know what?  That's a bad argument.  Scratch that statement from the record.  But you know what I mean.

Now, the oldest child is a little different.  She is the most dangerous of the kids.  Her attacks on daddy are swift.  They are accurate.  They are very calculated.  AND they are efficient.  She is very stealthy with her attacks.  I never see them coming even if I'm expecting something.  Her attacks are also deadly.  She doesn't play little mind games like her little sisters.  She is seasoned and very well trained.  She knows how to hit me where it hurts.  She goes straight for the wallet.  She disguises her attacks by making it look like she needs things like a school trip or construction paper for a class project or food and water.  Whatever!  I know better.  It's just another attempt to hit daddy and laugh about it.

I guess I will just have to suck it up and continue moving forward.  From what I understand the hits are going to keep on coming.  And apparently they get harder.  There's outward defiance, boyfriends, college and weddings and mess like that.  I'm going to keep searching because I'm sure this is a conspiracy of some sort.  I refuse to believe this is hereditary.

I think I really need to look into more WIN/WIN situations since they like to see their father in pain.  Maybe I should take them to watch me play golf.  As bad as I am at that, they wouldn't stop laughing for weeks!  My next post might just be about how I tried to pass that by my wife as a more constructive way for the kids to enjoy time with their father.  I will succeed where as generations of fathers have failed!  (This should be fun.)