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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Daddy's Got a Gun

My wife doesn't want me to have a gun.  But we have held off long enough.  I understand that safely owning a gun requires a lot of responsibility.  I have heard all of the arguments for owning and not owning a gun.  But there is one argument FOR gun ownership that speaks to me in a way that no other pro or anti argument ever has done before it...  My oldest daughter is turning 13 this year...

I'm getting a gun!

I'm sorry.  I used the term "a gun".  What I really meant to say was that I'm getting SEVERAL guns... and some snares... a few land mines... a katana... a yo-yo... a boomerang... some rocks...  a couple of sticks... some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (for bait)... an XBox (as a distraction)... and a rocket launcher!  (I probably don't NEED the rocket launcher but I believe anything worth doing is worth doing right (paraphrased from a statement made years ago by someone I didn't even know).)

I don't care what side you are on gun control, there should always be a clause in there that will allow a father to protect his daughter from a potential boyfriend.  And I'm not just talking about protecting her against the bad boys.  The good little boys can stay home too!  They are not welcome here either.  My daughters are not allowed to date until they're 30.  Then it's only a double-date with me and the Mrs.  This is a steadfast rule and there is ZERO room for negotiation.  I have already compromised on this once.  The dating age used to be 45!

I know some of you are asking, "But what about your sons?  Do you have the same rule for your sons as your daughters?"  And for those of you who would question my ethics and believe that I would have a different set of rules for my sons than for my daughters, I would say to you...  That is ridiculous!  I would never single out my kids based solely on their gender.  That is a terrible message to send to your children and I will have no part of the double standard ideology.  I plan to treat my sons the same way I treat my daughters.  And those statements would hold true even if I had sons (which I don't).  I treat ALL of my children equally. (Hee, hee.  Nanner nanner boo boo!  You thought you had me!)

But I know it's getting close to that age (not 30, mind you).  I have been dreading it like you dread sitting on the toilet in the middle of the night because you know it's going to wake you up with its subfreezing seat.  And I also want her to wait a few more years because I'm in the potty training stages with the little one. (Men don't like to multi-task.)  And at the rate the little one is going, my daughter will be 30 by the time that happens so the timing works out perfectly.  I might just make that the house rule, though.  When baby goes potty, you can go party. (I'm sure I will have to adjust that house rule so that it doesn't imply that she is ever allowed to party in any way, form or fashion.  I will also have to adjust it to make sure I reserve the right to change it completely (and I will) when the little one actually goes to potty.)

And parents, be warned... If you send your son over to my house to see my daughter you had better be prepared to have your son return a changed man.  It's nothing personal.  Any son that plans on coming over to even ask my daughters hand in friendship will have to pass several tests (that are impossible to pass).  He will then write a 12-page essay of his intentions with my daughter.  I will have him sign it, date it and get it notarized to make it official.  THEN and only then will I even let him through the front door.  That's when the formal interview process will begin.  (You can't be too careful these days.)  He gets bonus points if he comes in with a job and credit history readily available.  (Remember, this doesn't start until my daughter is 30.  So these are not unreasonable requests.)

After he passes that (which he wont) the guns come into play.  I'm not going to go into detail as to my plans for the arsenal because a potential friend of my daughter might read this ahead of time and will know what to expect.  And I cant give him ANY advantage in all of this.  Also, I've been told by my lawyer I don't need to put that sort of information in writing (especially a public forum) for legal reasons.  But lets just say... that's where the real fun begins.

But for the real fun to begin, I will need to purchase the above list.  And I WILL have a gun (guns) and there is nothing anyone can do about it.  Again, I understand the responsibility required to own one.  But age 13 is quickly approaching.  So a few purchases are in order.  Then, maybe, one day... in the future... I'm not sure how far yet... but definitely ONE DAY.... I will see if my wife will let me buy some bullets.