Monday, February 7, 2011

10 Things to Make the NFL Gain a Larger Audience

The Super Bowl is now over.  Some of you watched and some of you didn't.  And that's fine.  We all have different tastes.  But from all of the comments I got on my blog and in real life, I composed a list of "suggestions" that could (should) be adopted by the NFL to increase their audience base.  They are about to start negotiations for the new season so I will see if I can slide these suggestions into the conversation without people knowing it.

1. All team names should be named by kids.  If not all, then at the very least all of the teams with a losing record should relinquish their team naming right to children.  This will insure teams will play hard to try to keep from becoming the Pittsburgh Pikachus or the Tennessee Thomas the Trains or even the Miami Mickey Mouses (or is that Mickey Mice).  In addition to that, they get to draw the logo that will represent the team until they get a winning record.  So some teams, like Buffalo might not ever their names or logos back.

2. With the Go Daddy commercials causing a uproar each season, there's really no other answer to this one but to have some Who's Your Mama commercials.  There's really no company called Who's Your Mama, but with Go Daddy being hugely successful, it's a goldmine waiting to happen.  It would have *ahem* hot men dressed in very classy attire and only showing enough skin to sell internet domains... just like Go Daddy.

3. All games should be played in a dome.  But down the center of the field should be a loooooong Slip-n-Slide that goes from End Zone to End Zone.  That way, a player could really get a good head of steam at the 50-yard line, dive head first and SLIDE all the way to a touch down.  I know you are wondering how they can do that in a dome.  But you would just install a sprinkler system that runs down the middle of the dome.  And after every play they would turn the water on for just a second.  OR, with the NFL being a $9 billion industry, they could just hire people with water hoses to spray the middle of the field after each play.  That should cut the unemployment rate a little bit.  It's all about doing your part to help.

4. To borrow an idea from the other FOOTBALL (soccer) sport, field goals will be completely different.  First you would need to add a soccer net below the field goal posts.  It will be like a penalty kick.  There will be one kicker from the offensive team (the kicker) and one player from the defensive team there to stand in front of the goal.  The kicker will get one shot to kick it into the goal while the other player tries to block it.  The overtime rules could be the same too.  Each player on the team gets to kick and each player gets to defend.

I don't care how old he is.
He still looks 12.
5. All half-time shows would feature some Tween sensation.  I'm not a huge fan of this addition but we are trying to broaden the entire audience base.  Plus, I don't watch the half-time stuff anyway so this won't affect me as much.  But this will be the time for some Justin Biebers and some Miley Cyruses (if she's not in rehab by then) and some Selena Gomezes.  There are too many of these groups to mention but that's a good thing for the league because there are at most 16 games a weekend so they have plenty of spots to fill.  The trade-off, though, is that after they play during an NFL half-time, their songs CAN NOT be played on the radio for at least a week!  The NFL exposure should be enough.  WIN/WIN.

6. Every player's MOM should be sitting on the sidelines with them.  That would stop a lot of the fighting and most of the bad language.  It's hard to talk about someone's mama when their MAMA is sitting on the sidelines.  Also when you get a penalty, the moms get to decide what happens.  You might lose 10 yards.  You might lose the keys to your car.  You might even have to sit in timeout for a play or two.  With all of the NFL players getting in trouble these days, this might be one thing that would save the league as well.  But when a team calls "timeout" they will have to tell the refs which one they mean.

7. End Zone celebrations should be choreographed mini productions.  Right now, there is a penalty for "excessive celebrations" after a touch down.  We need to do away with that rule and give credit to the performing arts.  We would also need to tie some points to the celebration.  The funniest or most creative celebration will get the team some extra points.  And you get bonus points if you do a good job with some of the classics like Fantom of the Football Game (I know how to spell phantom) or a Michael Jackson music video.  You get SUPER bonus points if you get some of the beefy linemen in there dancing and singing too.  The only time there should be a penalty is when the celebration was dumb or unrehearsed or just didn't get the crowd pumped up.  The crowd would also either be given gongs (like the old gong show) or they will be give electronic devices to give stars like the old Star Search.  And if you don't get at least 3 star you lose points.

8. Instead of doing interviews after the game (which I hate), the losing team should be forced to sing karaoke with the song the winning team chooses.  There are no points for this.  It would just be a replacement of the already mandatory humiliating interviews they have to do after the game anyway.  There are only so many ways to say "We played bad.  They played good."  But there are a whole host of ways to sing it!

9. Trick plays should be encouraged.  And I mean plays where you hide the ball under your shirt or you throw it off the back of the head of a teammate or something.  All teams should have to sits through a seminar given by the Harlem Globetrotters on how to perform while playing at the highest level.  The team would replace the Gatorade bath they always give the winning coach with a bucket of confetti.  They would even be allowed to run up into the stand to perform certain skits or even bring people (mainly kids) out onto the field for some more funny hijinks.

10. Lastly... I REALLY like the Ewok idea I posted yesterday.  Who wouldn't want to see dancing Ewoks on the sidelines of football games.  That would truly be worth the price of admission.  You could even dress the Ewoks up in traditional Cheerleading Uniforms.  Does it get any better than that???

I don't know if this list will get everyone interested in the NFL but I'm sure I have sold one of these ideas to SOME people who wouldn't normally watch.  I mean, come on... Ewoks... dancing... looking like cheerleaders???  Anyway, if I haven't sold you on anything here, send me your idea of something that would be good to add to the sport.  I would love to hear some of your creative idea.  And I promise I will not GONG you... Ok, maybe not promise.  But I will try REALLY hard.

(There was a late entry that I would have put in #11 that the NFL shouldn't let Christina Aguilera ever sing the National Anthem again.  But my list only goes to 10 so this is merely an honorable mention at this point.)