Monday, July 12, 2010

My Newest Obsession

So I have a new obsession.  (I know my wife is like, "What is it now?!?" - In my defense, those Tickle Me Elmos will NEVER go out of style. You can take that one to the BANK!)  I was looking through the stats of some of my readers because I like to know which states are diggin' my vibe. (No one says that phrase any more for some reason.  But I like it.) Of course, Tennessee is really just destroying the other states because we ROCK!  (Or it could be because I live here and most of my friends live here.  Another reason could be because it doesn't distinguish between my actual readers and how many time I click on my OWN site.  That's probably half of it right there.) There are 4 more states with honorable mentions: #2 - Indiana, #3 - Illinois, #4 - Cali, and #5 - Texas.  (GO COWBOYS!)  You guys rock, but just a little less than the big TN right now.  There's still time, though.

So here is where my newest obsession comes in.  I started looking at numbers and something jumped out at me.  Even though I am not very popular in the blogging world (or any other world for that matter), I have readers all across the country.  Some states only have 2 visitors but I count them too. (West Virginia, South Dakota and Delaware - You guys pebble!)  I should be proud to say that I'm at least interesting enough that at least 1 person from every state has checked out my site. But I can't make that claim.  There is 1 state that is forcing me to add a * any time I want to say that every state in the entire USA* (see what I mean) has registered at least 1 viewer on my site.  And that state is... [drum roll please]... freaking WYOMING!

Map of USA with Wyoming highlightedImage via Wikipedia

Now... I could take the low road and say some really offensive things about Wyoming right now but what's the point.  No one there would even see it.  It would be like a tree falling in the forest with no one around. (In case you were wondering... it DOES make a sound.)  I went all the way back to when I started regularly writing this blog and not a single mouse-click from Wyoming.  That means not only am I not interesting enough to have at least 1 fan from there, but also that no one in the state has even ACCIDENTALLY clicked on my site... nothing!

So I could take this minor inconvenience as what it is and just walk away.  I could walk away knowing that I have readers in other countries around the world like: Hong Kong, Norway, Nepal (Really? Nepal), Iran (Wait, how did that get there?!?) and Romania.  (I do realize that those countries probably hit my site on accident but I'm counting them too!) But I'm not like that.  I'm not happy just walking away and leaving 1 state untouched.  This really bugs me!

So I'm going to challenge myself.  You hear that, Wyoming?!?!  I may not be on YOUR radar but you are on MINE!  I'm going to challenge myself to find just one person in the state of Wyoming to click on my site.  (Preferably on purpose but I'm not discriminating!)  All I'm asking for is just ONE click.  It's going to be a little tough because I don't know anyone from Wyoming.  I'm not even sure if I have ever met anyone from there.  But that's why this is a challenge.

Now the hard part is how to break the proverbial ice with the whole state.

Maybe I should talk nicely to it: Hello, Wyoming!  How's everything going?  Even though you have the smallest population of any of the United States (about a third of the population of Metro Nashville) you are still big to us (the 10th largest state in the union).  We really should hang out sometime.

Maybe I should apologize to it: I'm sorry, Wyoming.  I haven't been such a great friend.  When we plan family vacations, we don't even think of you.  And that is my fault.  I mean you have Yellowstone National Park out there.  So we will have to make at least 1 trip out there to see Old Faithful AND Yogi Bear.  What was that, Wyoming?  What did you say?  Ohhhh.... Yogi lives in JELLYstone and not YELLOWstone.  Who knew? Well, I won't let that small (large) oversight keep me from visiting.  We really don't have a great past (or any past) together.  And I promise to change that going forward.

A Jackalope in all of its glory!
Maybe I should offer it a gift: Wyoming... I would like to give you a Theme Park or some other interesting tourist attraction.  I do understand that you have the Jackalope Territory.  And that is a MUST SEE for any would-be tourist. (I'm serious about that one.  I really would like to see some Jackalopes.)  But I don't think it has the same affect as a Disney World or a Six Flags over Cheyenne.  Not that you really want all of those visitors to you state, but try it on for size and let me know how you like it.  Truth be told, I wouldn't really be too upset if we had to go back to the Jackalopes.  Just sayin'.

Maybe I should offer it a strong beverage, witty banter and suggest an inappropriate relationship between a person and a state: Here's to you, Wyoming. This one's on me. Now, let's cut the crap!  You need me and I need you.  Let's do dis thang!  We could go the friend route but you and I BOTH know that would leave us wanting more.  And I'm just not ready to give up on you.  I would rather live in YOUR world than to live without you in MINE.  You complete me.

And if NONE of that works, I'm going to resort to bribery.  Now, my wife and I don't have any money.  And even if we did, I'm not sure she would let me do much with it after the whole Tickle Me Elmo thing.  (Sorry, Honey.)  But I will definitely not let my first Wyomingan go away empty handed.  This quest has monumental written all over it.  So there will definitely be a prize in for you.  There MUST be a prize.  Even if the prize is just getting an 8x10 photo of me doing this:

Yeah... Unfortunately, that's really me.
But the 8x10 is stunning! 

And even if that picture of me is not enough (I can't imagine that it wouldn't be), you will help me do something even more important.  You will be the first (and probably only) fan that I have in the entire state.  You will help me remove that dreaded * from the USA.  You will help me reunite this great nation in a way that it hasn't seen in years (dare I say centuries)!

And when the skeptics and Naysayers pipe up ask, "Wyoming???" (Because you know they will!) I will proudly stand up, put my hand over my heart and respond with a statement that will be quoted for ages, "Wy(not)oming?!?"  Because, that's how much you mean to me.
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