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Thursday, July 1, 2010

It's Pee-ple Training Time

This is not the original post I was going to write.  But you didn't know that so this could actually BE the original post I was going to write disguised as the NEW post I'm presenting.  In the grand scheme of things that really doesn't matter much, but in the micro scheme of things I'm smiling on the inside with one of those nanny-nanny-boo-boo-I-know-something-you-don't-know thoughts.  And.... it's gone.

The post I was going to write is better than this one. (Or is it???.... OK. I'll stop.)  At least the subject matter is better because this one is about Potty Training (for the 3rd and LAST time).  And to all of my friends who are thinking of taking a shot at me for that statement... Yes, yes, yes.  After this many decades I have finally decided to learn to use the potty.  HA. HA. You are SOOO funny.  Now for everyone else... I'm talking about my almost 2-year old.

In my (not so) professional opinion, I think she is ready for this.  She's giving all of the signs. (Warning: All of my friends without kids... I'm about to lose you right here.  That's fine.  I will let you know when it is OK to come back.  All of my friends with kids... Well, these signs are all too familiar.)

1. She knows the the words pee-pee and poopie.  She can even repeat the phrase, "Pee-pee and poopie in the potty."  Of course she is just repeating at this point and hasn't made to true connection to it's meaning.  She doesn't know that it means, "Right now... you are pee-peeing and poopie...ing on yourself!"  And that's not where that stuff is supposed to go.  Oh, sure it's fun.  But the novelty wears off very quickly when you get into high school so it's better to take care of this now.

2. She's at the stage where she knows that the act of pooping in public is not smiled at and is often frowned upon in society.  We have 3 kids. (Yes, I know DAWN... I'm a rookie! No, DAWN, my wife and I don't need any more!  We are happy staying in the minor leagues on this one.) The 2 youngest of the 3 kids LOVE to fight each other.  That's the bad news.  The good news is that we always know where they are.  When they both get quiet we know there's trouble brewing somewhere.  But when the youngest is the only one that is quiet, we know there's a different kind of trouble brewing.

She likes to poop in Vegas.  I say that because I think she believes that whatever happens in Vegas... stays in Vegas.  And Vegas is located in the next room, or behind the love seat, or on there other side of the kitchen table or just any where she thinks no one can see her.  She hasn't figured out that when you do the doo in private, the smell follows you in public.  And even if you find her in the process of filling her PMP, or Personal Mobile Potty (a diaper for those not getting it) she will deny any knowledge of event as if she was a major league baseball player on trial for steroid use. (And you all know how that always turns out.)  Just follow the evidence trail (so to speak) and you will find a dirty diaper and a little girl with that same nanny-nanny-boo-boo-I-know-something-you-don't-know look that I had.  The only difference is... I know.

3. She has enough LITERAL intestinal fortitude to NOT poopie in the wet diaper of the morning.  Every morning when I'm getting the kids ready, she waits until I change her wet diaper to leave me a soiled one (just so I have to change two).  Some might think that it's just the timing of the whole thing.  You know... The kid wakes up and after about 5-10 minutes of being awake it's THAT time.  To those people I say, "NAY! Thou art wrong!"  I have waited longer than the 5-10 minutes on purpose just to see what happens.

(A side note: This is mainly how WE fathers learn.  I have learned a many a lesson by mentally thinking, "Let's just wait and see what happens."  Most mothers don't typically learn that way.  This method has a very high failure rate on the action but also shares a very high "lesson learned" rate. 

A side note to the side note: Just because WE fathers learned the lesson does in no way guarantee that we won't try the same thing again at a later date. I know... definition of insanity. Yada, yada, yada.  Just deal with it!)    

But after waiting forever to see what happens... nothing.  She won't do it.  If I don't change the wet diaper, she won't go.  Then after a long enough time, she'll start pointing at the diaper and saying something that I can only assume means, "Change my wet diaper NOW so I can complete the morning transactions!"  Maybe that's why they call it #2 because when you reach THAT age it's how many diapers it takes to get the morning job done.

4. She cuts into daddy time.  As if the first 3 weren't enough about me in this whole process, this last one is COMPLETELY about me.  She wants to come into the bathroom when I'm in the bathroom.  She hasn't figured out that the bathroom is my Throne Room.  All of my greatest ideas have in some way started in the Throne Room.  No constructive ideas are happening when the little one is in there.  I like to sit on the Throne and work on my sudoku puzzles. There's no sudokuing going on.  (I'm really upset about that one.) Out of all of the places in a house with kids... the Throne Room is my place of peace and quiet.  There's no peace or quiet when the little one is in there.

Not meaning to be rude, but I can't even focus on the task at hand.  I have to make sure she's safe and can't destroy the place.  She's trying to measure the bathroom with the toilet paper.  She wants to put everything (including herself, toys and books) into the tub.  She wants to climb on me.  She wants to talk to me in baby language.  She wants to pull everything off the sink.  She wants to cry when daddy can't play right at that moment.  (He's busy!  Those sudoku puzzles won't work themselves!) Basically it's a lose/lose situation for everyone involved.

(OK. Kidless friends.  You can come back now.) I know that kids will reach this all-important milestone at their own pace.  I'm not going to push her past her limits.  We are going to go at her pace.  But I will be going back on the day shift in a month so she needs to hurry up and figure this out... at her own pace, of course.

(Because of the subject matter, I purposefully left out pictures.  
You'll thank me later.)