10 Things to Make the NFL Gain a Larger Audience

The Super Bowl is now over.  Some of you watched and some of you didn't.  And that's fine.  We all have different tastes.  But from all of the comments I got on my blog and in real life, I composed a list of "suggestions" that could (should) be adopted by the NFL to increase their audience base.  They are about to start negotiations for the new season so I will see if I can slide these suggestions into the conversation without people knowing it.

1. All team names should be named by kids.  If not all, then at the very least all of the teams with a losing record should relinquish their team naming right to children.  This will insure teams will play hard to try to keep from becoming the Pittsburgh Pikachus or the Tennessee Thomas the Trains or even the Miami Mickey Mouses (or is that Mickey Mice).  In addition to that, they get to draw the logo that will represent the team until they get a winning record.  So some teams, like Buffalo might not ever their names or logos back.

2. With the Go Daddy commercials causing a uproar each season, there's really no other answer to this one but to have some Who's Your Mama commercials.  There's really no company called Who's Your Mama, but with Go Daddy being hugely successful, it's a goldmine waiting to happen.  It would have *ahem* hot men dressed in very classy attire and only showing enough skin to sell internet domains... just like Go Daddy.

3. All games should be played in a dome.  But down the center of the field should be a loooooong Slip-n-Slide that goes from End Zone to End Zone.  That way, a player could really get a good head of steam at the 50-yard line, dive head first and SLIDE all the way to a touch down.  I know you are wondering how they can do that in a dome.  But you would just install a sprinkler system that runs down the middle of the dome.  And after every play they would turn the water on for just a second.  OR, with the NFL being a $9 billion industry, they could just hire people with water hoses to spray the middle of the field after each play.  That should cut the unemployment rate a little bit.  It's all about doing your part to help.

4. To borrow an idea from the other FOOTBALL (soccer) sport, field goals will be completely different.  First you would need to add a soccer net below the field goal posts.  It will be like a penalty kick.  There will be one kicker from the offensive team (the kicker) and one player from the defensive team there to stand in front of the goal.  The kicker will get one shot to kick it into the goal while the other player tries to block it.  The overtime rules could be the same too.  Each player on the team gets to kick and each player gets to defend.

I don't care how old he is.
He still looks 12.

5. All half-time shows would feature some Tween sensation.  I'm not a huge fan of this addition but we are trying to broaden the entire audience base.  Plus, I don't watch the half-time stuff anyway so this won't affect me as much.  But this will be the time for some Justin Biebers and some Miley Cyruses (if she's not in rehab by then) and some Selena Gomezes.  There are too many of these groups to mention but that's a good thing for the league because there are at most 16 games a weekend so they have plenty of spots to fill.  The trade-off, though, is that after they play during an NFL half-time, their songs CAN NOT be played on the radio for at least a week!  The NFL exposure should be enough.  WIN/WIN.

6. Every player's MOM should be sitting on the sidelines with them.  That would stop a lot of the fighting and most of the bad language.  It's hard to talk about someone's mama when their MAMA is sitting on the sidelines.  Also when you get a penalty, the moms get to decide what happens.  You might lose 10 yards.  You might lose the keys to your car.  You might even have to sit in timeout for a play or two.  With all of the NFL players getting in trouble these days, this might be one thing that would save the league as well.  But when a team calls "timeout" they will have to tell the refs which one they mean.

7. End Zone celebrations should be choreographed mini productions.  Right now, there is a penalty for "excessive celebrations" after a touch down.  We need to do away with that rule and give credit to the performing arts.  We would also need to tie some points to the celebration.  The funniest or most creative celebration will get the team some extra points.  And you get bonus points if you do a good job with some of the classics like Fantom of the Football Game (I know how to spell phantom) or a Michael Jackson music video.  You get SUPER bonus points if you get some of the beefy linemen in there dancing and singing too.  The only time there should be a penalty is when the celebration was dumb or unrehearsed or just didn't get the crowd pumped up.  The crowd would also either be given gongs (like the old gong show) or they will be give electronic devices to give stars like the old Star Search.  And if you don't get at least 3 star you lose points.

8. Instead of doing interviews after the game (which I hate), the losing team should be forced to sing karaoke with the song the winning team chooses.  There are no points for this.  It would just be a replacement of the already mandatory humiliating interviews they have to do after the game anyway.  There are only so many ways to say "We played bad.  They played good."  But there are a whole host of ways to sing it!

9. Trick plays should be encouraged.  And I mean plays where you hide the ball under your shirt or you throw it off the back of the head of a teammate or something.  All teams should have to sits through a seminar given by the Harlem Globetrotters on how to perform while playing at the highest level.  The team would replace the Gatorade bath they always give the winning coach with a bucket of confetti.  They would even be allowed to run up into the stand to perform certain skits or even bring people (mainly kids) out onto the field for some more funny hijinks.

10. Lastly... I REALLY like the Ewok idea I posted yesterday.  Who wouldn't want to see dancing Ewoks on the sidelines of football games.  That would truly be worth the price of admission.  You could even dress the Ewoks up in traditional Cheerleading Uniforms.  Does it get any better than that???

I don't know if this list will get everyone interested in the NFL but I'm sure I have sold one of these ideas to SOME people who wouldn't normally watch.  I mean, come on... Ewoks... dancing... looking like cheerleaders???  Anyway, if I haven't sold you on anything here, send me your idea of something that would be good to add to the sport.  I would love to hear some of your creative idea.  And I promise I will not GONG you... Ok, maybe not promise.  But I will try REALLY hard.

(There was a late entry that I would have put in #11 that the NFL shouldn't let Christina Aguilera ever sing the National Anthem again.  But my list only goes to 10 so this is merely an honorable mention at this point.)

Weekend Stroll - What Ifs

I was wondering of you wanted to take a weekend stroll with me.  I know, I know!  Impossible, right?  You are there and I am here.  Well, maybe not.  You don't actually have to be here for the stroll.  Besides, where I am, it's cold outside.  So, we are just going to make this a mental stroll.  I'm going to take a few minutes to step away from the funny in order to allow you into my mind for a moment.

Don't worry.  This is a guided tour.  We are going to stay on topic (for the most part).  And I will make this little cyber walk in the park as safe and confined as possible.  I couldn't let you run loose in my mind without boundaries and supervision.  I would surely lose most of you.  It's a weird place up there sometimes.  But it does have its moments of clarity.  Take this for example...

I used to sit around and wonder "what if".  You know the game.  You sit and wonder "What if I had purchased a lottery ticket?" Or, "What if I just asked for that girl's/guy's phone number?" Or even, "What if I had not eaten that entire peach cobbler?"  We all have those fleeting thoughts of "what if".  It's what makes us human.  We only live once in real life but we get to play the Blu-ray version of our lives over and over in our mind (complete with commentary).

The beauty of that is we get to change the outcome of any decisions we think should have or shouldn't have made.  We can even change the decision itself.  If we really think about it, we can even change the events that lead up to that decision.  So we have full control over what we want to think about when it comes to "what ifs".  Well, that really got me to thinking about things.  And I will pose this question to you (my readers) as well.

If you really could go back and change a decision you made, would you?  And even more so, what would you change?

I used to sit and think about going back an not hiding the fact that I was good at sports.  When I was younger, I never really played organized sports.  I did play 2 seasons of baseball.  I got a championship trophy and made all-stars one of the two season.  And the thing is that's the sport I was the WORST at.  I found out I was pretty good at basketball and even better than that at football.  Now, I originally couldn't play football because my mom wouldn't let me. (That's a whole 'nother story!)  But I never pressed the issue.  I just let a possible football career slip through my fingers.  If I had tried, there's a possibility I would be at the end of my career in the NFL or NBA right now and I could be RICH!  It's completely possible that I could have enjoyed a very successful career and would be retired or ready to retire by now.

I also used to think about what would have happened if I had pursued a career in acting.  I didn't appreciate acting when I was in elementary school playing Little Boy Blue in a school play.  I didn't even give acting a second glance when I was cast as Billy McCord in another elementary school musical.  (For those who don't know, Billy was the brother of Big Sam in the song "North to Alaska".  It was a riveting performance.  And I'm still wondering why I was snubbed in the awards.)

After that, I wasn't into anything acting-wise until I was in high school.  That's when I really took a liking to the stage.  I was in a several comedic productions. And I felt like I found my home there... especially with the improv stuff.  My friends and I would have a blast just getting in front of people and generally making a fool of ourselves.  But it was never sloppy.  Everything we did, was done with class... AND it was funny!  I enjoyed every single minute of the stage time I had in high school.

Then I went to college and I was planning on continuing the dream of becoming a world renowned actor.  But while I was in college I was told if I wanted to be in the play I would have to quit my job.  Well, I came from a poor background.  I needed that job to survive in college.  So that was my exit stage left... curtains close... no standing ovation.  After that I used to wonder, "What if I had stuck it out for one more play?"  Yeah, I tried a few smaller things while in college but it was never the same after that.  I let the dream die.  And so did the potential fame and fortune that came along with it.

I used to sit around and regret those 2 major decisions in my life.  I would beat myself up for adding the word "missed" to those opportunities I let fall to the wayside.  So, if you asked me right now, "If you could actually go back and make either one of those decisions over again, would you?"  My answer would be an easy and resounding...

"Nope."

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I wouldn't go back to take a shot at fortune and fame if I had the change.  And I don't blame you for it.  They were my dreams.  So, why wouldn't I go back for a chance at riches and celebrity status?  Well, I believe in the Butterfly Effect.  I believe I am at this very point and place in time because of EVERYTHING that has happened before it.  I believe if I were to go back and change even the smallest thing, nothing will be the same as it is now.  And the thing is, I LIKE where I am now and who I'm with.  If I were to go back and change anything I would never have met my beautiful wife.  And we wouldn't have these 3 adorable children.  And to me, that's not an acceptable risk.

My wife and I are struggling financially right now (like a lot of America) but I wouldn't trade any of it now or ever for the chance at my dreams past.  I mean, in my mind I think of it as, "Would I be willing trade my wife and kids for the life I could have had?"  And all I can say is that it's not worth it.  They ARE my acting career and sports superstar status all rolled into one.  I get to try all of my best comedy on them!  I get to watch them laugh.  I get to see the smiles on their faces.  When that happens I forget that there is even anyone else in the crowd.

I also get to be that sports icon.  I will play sports with my kids and they will think I'm the greatest football and basketball player in the world.  (My oldest is a gold medal winning gymnast.  So I'm not even going to act like I'm good at that sport.)  But I get to relive the Super Bowl, NBA Championship, NCAA Finals, National Championship AND the Professional Bowling Championship (ok, that one's a stretch) anytime I play with my kids.  People WITHOUT kids might think that's just being delusional.  People WITH kids know there is nothing else more real than that.

So I have decided to make sure I make more decisions NOW that won't be tied to a "what if" LATER in life.

Thanks for taking that weekend stroll with me.  I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too.  We must do this again one day.

What's This Fantasy Nonsense About?

I have just gotten over one obsession. Now my seasonal obsession has started.  Here in the US (for my overseas readers) American Football is about to start.  And, though, clinically this alone could be considered my obsession... sadly, it's not.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE everything about football (minus the rules on end zone celebrations).  I watch college games on Saturday.  I watch the NFL on Sunday and Monday (sometimes Thursday).  Then I watch the highlights of both on ESPN.  And now, during the week, I get to watch the rebroadcast of all of the NFL games on the NFL network.  And with all of that... It's STILL not my seasonal obsession.  My seasonal obsession is Fantasy Football.

I just heard the GROAN from 85% (more like 98% but who's counting) of my readers.  And they are all saying, "Not you, too?!? How could such an awesome husband and father get sucked up into a web of deception, intrigue and just utter silly nonsense???" Easy... My wife plays in the league, too!  It's always easier to live with a vice if you are with someone who enjoys the same vices.  Granted... she is not at my level of obsesstitude but she is trying and that's what really counts.

This post, however, is not for me to defend my FFO (Fantasy Footbal Obsession).  This post is another in a series (that I didn't know I was writing) about what men are thinking.  A lot of my posts have let the female mind into the simple but oft believed complex inner workings of the male mind.  This one is no different.  I was asked what is it about Fantasy Football that makes men want to sell their first born child to hold up the plastic trophy (worth $25 - $3 if you go by how much it costs to make)?  And I'm not sure we like it THAT much, but it's close.  My second or third born are completely acceptable trades for the trophy.  (But not both.  I'm not a monster.)

During this time of year a lot of my fellow male bloggers are being asked why we like Fantasy Football so much.  That is in no way meant to disrespect the female bloggers who play Fantasy Football.  But I'm sure you don't hear it as much as we do.  So I decided to see if I could explain it my way.

Let's change it from Fantasy Football to Fantasy Monopoly.  Now instead of the sheer chance of you landing on a property (like say Boardwalk), in Fantasy Monopoly you get to go around the room and CHOOSE which (unchosen) property you want.  So the first person is going to pick Boardwalk.  The next person will get Park Place and so on until all of the property is chosen.  Now that all of the property is chosen, you get to hire someone to play the game for you but you get to keep all of the money.  So THEY roll the dice and move the little dog, or boot or car around the board.  When someone lands on your property, YOU get the money.

Now some of rules have been changed.  I mean, who doesn't play Monopoly with house rules?  It has been changed so that now you can add houses and hotels to ANY property whether you own the whole set of colors or not.  Some of you play that way already!  So you are used to the house rules.  But now you can even put houses and hotels on the railroads and utilities.  And any time someone lands on those you get even MORE money.  Then you play this for about 14 weeks.  The person who has the most money wins!!!  Really, this is not much different than middle management at a Fortune 100 company (minus all of the zeros in the salary).  So it's a life-skill.

Ok... Now that I have explained that... I'm sure the questioning people have even more questions.  So let me try this another way.  Let's play a game of Fantasy School.

In this game, you get to use your child's school.  If you don't have a child you can really choose ANY school at random.  It doesn't matter as long as everyone playing uses the same school.  Before you play this game, you are given access to EVERY child's current grade level, test scores, I.Q. scores, last year's attendance records, medical records, current families' income, teachers notes, disciplinary records, after school activities, class schedule and, really, just about any piece other of information you would need to know about that child.

The point of Fantasy School is to take all of those factors and choose the children you think will make the highest grades week after week.  So you begin to do a kickball style "draft" of the "players" you want on  your Fantasy Team.  The good news is that you don't even have to pick your own kid!  This is Fantasy Sports!  They will never know.  (That has to at least peak the interest of some.)  You are purely picking the kids that you think will perform at the highest level.  And by highest level, I mean the highest test scores.

So now on to the scoring.  We all know that everyone can't get straight A's in school.  So there is a scoring system based on that.  A = 5 points, B = 4 points, C = 3 points... (You get the picture here.)  But you can't just draft people based on that.  Because in this league, you lose 3 points anytime the teacher has to "verbally" correct the student.  You lose 4 points if your child gets sent to the principal office.  You lose 7 points if your child gets expelled.  Then at the end of every semester of school (or whatever time frame you want (It's your league.  Get wild with the rules!)) you add (or subtract) the total points.  The person who ends up with most points, wins!

NOW you can see how addictive this can be (whatever).  But you have to enjoy the REAL sport behind the FANTASY sport.  And since I love football, I'm addicted to Fantasy Football.  And if you didn't like my explanation, I, at the very least, have made up 2 NEW games that I'm going to try to trademark next season.  Maybe that will take my mind off of my current 4-month long addiction.  Honestly, I'm not sure it can be counted as a real addiction because I'm only in 4 leagues this year.  I think it takes 5 or more leagues for you to call it an addiction.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.) Plus I'm playing with my wife so this is definitely going to be logged as family time (whether she likes it or not).  She loves to play.  But more importantly she loves to beat ME.  And we are not even going to talk about that one.  That's another blog for another day.