Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Seek and Ye MIGHT find

I would like to report a situation.  This is something new so I know that most of you will not have ANY idea what I'm talking about here.  But I wanted to warn you because I fear it's spreading.  For some reason (and again this is a RECENT development) men can't seem to find missing items.

I can tell by your silence that you don't believe me.  I'm telling you the truth!  You MUST trust me on this one.  I wouldn't lie to you about something as serious as this.  And (not to scare anyone from my blog, but...) it's probably coming to a home near you.

I don't know how this will begin in your home.  But here's how I noticed it in mine.  My wife asked me to get some typed of canned vegetable do go with dinner.  I went to the cabinet where we keep the canned veggies (spell checker says that's a real word).  I looked through ALL of the cans and there were NO VEGGIES. (Which is fine for me because I'm not a big fan of veggies.)  I let my wife know and she told me there was something in there.  I told her I looked through all of the cans (which I did) and there were no veggies.  I inform my wife that we will NOT be having any veggies today because there are NONE in the cabinet.  I reiterated that I looked through ALL of the cans and there were ZERO veggies.
For the men who didn't know
what I was looking for.

So, what does she do?  She goes over to the cabinet, moves 2 cans and there it was... a can of corn!!!  WHAT???  Where did that come from???  I was just in there a minute ago and I looked in the exact same spots and I PROMISE there was no corn in there before.  What kind of Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility can of corn is this?!?!  And so you have borne witness to my realization that there is a problem.  It's not MY fault.  I have a disorder.

If I had thought about it, I would have noticed it before.  There were other times in the past that I had been looking for something and this disorder presented itself.  Those previous times I just passed it off as normal.  Well this is not normal!  And the sooner we defeat this the better.

I realize that most of you haven't experienced this with the men in your lives. But he may or may not still have the disorder.  So let me give you a few warning signs to look for just in case.  If you see ANY of these issues please stay calm and attempt to work through this (if he's worth it).

  1. The initial symptom is that something is lost in the house (duh) and the 2 of you are looking for it.  After 10 minutes of not finding it, you find him back on the sofa watching TV, playing Play Station 3 or on the computer (whatever he was doing before you started looking for the lost item). He doesn't REALLY want to be there but the trauma of not finding the lost item has taken its toll on him.  So the best way for his mind to get centered is to go to a Happy Place.
  2. He seems distracted while searching.  If you ask him what's on his mind.  He will tell you nothing.  Again, this is not his fault.  He is really thinking about the Fantasy Football Draft he has this weekend.  Now, he knows one of the kids has an event this weekend too.  But at the kids event all he has to do is watch.  In Fantasy Football, he's the OWNER.  He has to make decisions that will affect the fantasy lives of real players on FAKE team and control their FAKE destiny to win a FAKE championship.  This is serious stuff!
  3. He REFUSES to look in the same place twice.  If you ask if he has looked in {insert name of most obvious spot missing item could be} and he tells you 'yes' but you go there and IT'S THERE... This one is a biggie (spell checker likes this one too).  Odds are he looked there but didn't see it.  And he will NOT go back there for the same reason I didn't go back for the veggies. If that item magically appears in that same spot we just looked then it does something to our mind.  We can't mentally handle that.  We feel that someone (maybe the can itself) is playing a joke on us and it's not even remotely funny.
  4. Also, you'll notice that the chances of him finding the missing item change depending on the external factors around him.  The chances of failure are doubled (in the case of thinking about fantasy football) or even tripled (in the case of vegetables (especially lima beans)) depending on these external factors. (My disorder is so bad, I can go through an entire grocery store while shopping for the family and not find a single can of those nasty lima beans.  It's not my fault.  It's the disorder.) 

After describing these symptoms, some of you may just now realize that you are living with someone with a little known disorder.  This is a very serious issues and should be treated as such.  It doesn't mean that life a you know it is over.  It just means that things can be almost normal if you identify there is an issue and work around it.  'How can I do that, Dr. Que?' Well, I'm glad you asked.  Follow THESE few and simple rules and you won't even notice there is a problem.

  1. Don't EVER ask him to help you find anything.  If you want it found, go look for it yourself.  Remember, it's not his fault.  It's the disorder.  Plus, odds are you will find it first anyway. (The rest of the rules are only for those who try to defy the only rule you really need.  And I'm sure some of you will.)
  2. Don't ask him to help you find anything if he's in the middle of doing something important like playing Madden 11 on the XBox or playing World of Warcraft on the computer or watching Desperate Housewives... I mean... CSI (any of them).  You are just setting him up for failure.
  3. If he doesn't find something (which he won't), don't get upset with him.  Remember, you are mad at the disorder not the individual.  Just make sure you give him encouragement, support and most of all... LOVE.  Let him know that he is still the M.O.T.H. and it was a nearly impossible task that couldn't be accomplished by even the greatest of heroes.  Then send him back to the Xbox.
  4. If you DO ask him to help you find something, make sure he has an attachment to it.  (For example: All of the ingredients for grilling out.  He can find those.  Regular everyday cooking ingredients... not so much.  He can also find a present you bought for him that you can't seem to find.  He doesn't even need to know what he's looking for on that one.  He WILL find it.  Also, birth control...  He can find that even if you encased it in lead, drove 40 miles away and hidit 10ft deep in the back yard of a stranger.  I'm not exactly sure why, but it will be found as if it had a GPS locator on it!)
Because of the seriousness of this issue I've decided to start a charitable foundation.  I WILL be accepting donations for Men Against Deceptive Disorders Ending Niceties (or M.A.D.D.E.N. for short).  It will be a subsidiary of Wildly Interesting Investments (or W.I.I.). With this foundation I will be committing to a cause that is close to my heart.  So lets work together make this world in which our little boys are not afraid or ashamed to grow up to be wonderfully raised semi-productive men.  (I'm taking donations today.... as soon as I finish playing World of Warcraft.)