I can tell by your silence that you don't believe me. I'm telling you the truth! You MUST trust me on this one. I wouldn't lie to you about something as serious as this. And (not to scare anyone from my blog, but...) it's probably coming to a home near you.
I don't know how this will begin in your home. But here's how I noticed it in mine. My wife asked me to get some typed of canned vegetable do go with dinner. I went to the cabinet where we keep the canned veggies (spell checker says that's a real word). I looked through ALL of the cans and there were NO VEGGIES. (Which is fine for me because I'm not a big fan of veggies.) I let my wife know and she told me there was something in there. I told her I looked through all of the cans (which I did) and there were no veggies. I inform my wife that we will NOT be having any veggies today because there are NONE in the cabinet. I reiterated that I looked through ALL of the cans and there were ZERO veggies.
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| For the men who didn't know what I was looking for. |
So, what does she do? She goes over to the cabinet, moves 2 cans and there it was... a can of corn!!! WHAT??? Where did that come from??? I was just in there a minute ago and I looked in the exact same spots and I PROMISE there was no corn in there before. What kind of Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility can of corn is this?!?! And so you have borne witness to my realization that there is a problem. It's not MY fault. I have a disorder.
If I had thought about it, I would have noticed it before. There were other times in the past that I had been looking for something and this disorder presented itself. Those previous times I just passed it off as normal. Well this is not normal! And the sooner we defeat this the better.
I realize that most of you haven't experienced this with the men in your lives. But he may or may not still have the disorder. So let me give you a few warning signs to look for just in case. If you see ANY of these issues please stay calm and attempt to work through this (if he's worth it).
- The initial symptom is that something is lost in the house (duh) and the 2 of you are looking for it. After 10 minutes of not finding it, you find him back on the sofa watching TV, playing Play Station 3 or on the computer (whatever he was doing before you started looking for the lost item). He doesn't REALLY want to be there but the trauma of not finding the lost item has taken its toll on him. So the best way for his mind to get centered is to go to a Happy Place.
- He seems distracted while searching. If you ask him what's on his mind. He will tell you nothing. Again, this is not his fault. He is really thinking about the Fantasy Football Draft he has this weekend. Now, he knows one of the kids has an event this weekend too. But at the kids event all he has to do is watch. In Fantasy Football, he's the OWNER. He has to make decisions that will affect the fantasy lives of real players on FAKE team and control their FAKE destiny to win a FAKE championship. This is serious stuff!
- He REFUSES to look in the same place twice. If you ask if he has looked in {insert name of most obvious spot missing item could be} and he tells you 'yes' but you go there and IT'S THERE... This one is a biggie (spell checker likes this one too). Odds are he looked there but didn't see it. And he will NOT go back there for the same reason I didn't go back for the veggies. If that item magically appears in that same spot we just looked then it does something to our mind. We can't mentally handle that. We feel that someone (maybe the can itself) is playing a joke on us and it's not even remotely funny.
- Also, you'll notice that the chances of him finding the missing item change depending on the external factors around him. The chances of failure are doubled (in the case of thinking about fantasy football) or even tripled (in the case of vegetables (especially lima beans)) depending on these external factors. (My disorder is so bad, I can go through an entire grocery store while shopping for the family and not find a single can of those nasty lima beans. It's not my fault. It's the disorder.)
After describing these symptoms, some of you may just now realize that you are living with someone with a little known disorder. This is a very serious issues and should be treated as such. It doesn't mean that life a you know it is over. It just means that things can be almost normal if you identify there is an issue and work around it. 'How can I do that, Dr. Que?' Well, I'm glad you asked. Follow THESE few and simple rules and you won't even notice there is a problem.
- Don't EVER ask him to help you find anything. If you want it found, go look for it yourself. Remember, it's not his fault. It's the disorder. Plus, odds are you will find it first anyway. (The rest of the rules are only for those who try to defy the only rule you really need. And I'm sure some of you will.)
- Don't ask him to help you find anything if he's in the middle of doing something important like playing Madden 11 on the XBox or playing World of Warcraft on the computer or watching Desperate Housewives... I mean... CSI (any of them). You are just setting him up for failure.
- If he doesn't find something (which he won't), don't get upset with him. Remember, you are mad at the disorder not the individual. Just make sure you give him encouragement, support and most of all... LOVE. Let him know that he is still the M.O.T.H. and it was a nearly impossible task that couldn't be accomplished by even the greatest of heroes. Then send him back to the Xbox.
- If you DO ask him to help you find something, make sure he has an attachment to it. (For example: All of the ingredients for grilling out. He can find those. Regular everyday cooking ingredients... not so much. He can also find a present you bought for him that you can't seem to find. He doesn't even need to know what he's looking for on that one. He WILL find it. Also, birth control... He can find that even if you encased it in lead, drove 40 miles away and hidit 10ft deep in the back yard of a stranger. I'm not exactly sure why, but it will be found as if it had a GPS locator on it!)
Because of the seriousness of this issue I've decided to start a charitable foundation. I WILL be accepting donations for Men Against Deceptive Disorders Ending Niceties (or M.A.D.D.E.N. for short). It will be a subsidiary of Wildly Interesting Investments (or W.I.I.). With this foundation I will be committing to a cause that is close to my heart. So lets work together make this world in which our little boys are not afraid or ashamed to grow up to be wonderfully raised semi-productive men. (I'm taking donations today.... as soon as I finish playing World of Warcraft.)
sounds familiar. know who also has this problem? kids. my kids always say they can't find something, then when i go to look, i find it. it's like if they don't automatically see it, it isn't there. hmmm men, kids, can't find stuff...i'm totally seeing the correlation here. ~c(o:
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny and strangely enough I have come across many a man with this DISORDER!
ReplyDeleteBwahahahaha...I learned long ago that if I want something found, I better search for it myself. I do not ever ask my better half to look for anything...but all too often he will ask me to find something for him. Like the can of paint that wanted the other day. He looked in the closet and then blamed me for "moving things around" when he couldn't find it. Like an IDIOT I looked in every other closet in the entire house before returning to the one that the paint has been in for years. The one that he looked in first. I'm really grateful that it was indeed a can of paint and not a poisonous snake because he would have been bit and well, I kinda like him.
ReplyDeleteLOL... you know. I knew something was up when I was always the one finding everything. I thought it might just be that I was so obviously better at looking... but it has to be the syndrome you talk about.
ReplyDeleteI shall be more compassionate from now on...
I was wondering... sometimes if I whack him upside the head... he seems to have moments of clarity where the syndrome isn't taking over and he actually looks or finds something... it's weird.
Do you think his case is just mild?
I don't think it's strictly a man disorder, but primarily. I am on vacation at my parent's house and yesterday, my mom asked me to get something for the cake she was baking and I swear, after searching up and down for .1 seconds I couldn't find it anywhere. My efforts were much better spent web surfing and tanning in the yard.
ReplyDelete@ciara - How DARE you compare such a serious disorder to such childreny things! You obviously don't understand that (even though it sounds the same) it is something WAY different.
ReplyDelete@Gingeyginge - Oh, no!!! This is spreading to an epidemic!
@SandyAnnDee - You are a good woman. You sensed the problem years ago and have modified your behavior to help ease the pain of one who is in great suffering. And your example... That is EXACTLY what I'm talking about! Your man is a lucky one.
@Shelle-Blok - I'm glad you have come to the understanding that he's not doing that on purpose. However, the hitting of the head only gives a temporary moment of clarity. In the end, it does more harm than good. He is a little innocent sheep and just needs some guidance. Now send him back to play the games or watch TV. That is a much more appropriate response. Tell him I said 'You're welcome."
@Lilly - Yeah, anyone is prone to it on occasions. But it's a way of life for men. It starts at birth and lasts through death. So men don't have it but they are a rare breed. Not particularly better... just different.
This is why when Miss almost 9 can't find something, I ask her has she had a Mummy look or a Daddy look.
ReplyDeleteAnd we had a situation exactly like this last night infact. Hubby was looking for the long black skinny remote, as apposed to the long thin grey one or the fat black one or the two tone grey one... you get the picture.
ANYWAY... he's getting really cranky at Miss almost 9 for moving it, so I dashed into the loungeroom to mediate the issue, and where was the remote in question???? Right behind him on the floor ~where he'd put it~ *Face plant*
There needs to be a cure out there somewhere Dr Que. Please help us!
Seems my whole house (present company excepted) have this disorder. Why am I the only one that can find ANYTHING!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL! You crack me up as usual, Que. If it doesn't jump out and bite them on the butt, it's invisible to my boys. Now that I know it's an official disorder with an actual name, I guess I should stop acting so smug when I find the things that are invisible to them, huh?
ReplyDeleteI read a humorous book some time back (I can't remember the title for the life of me, sorry!) that explained this very disorder. It has something to do with the way men are wired differently than women. I never ask a man to find anything for me, it's a pointless waste of time. For the effort I expend trying to explain where it is, and then going and finding it myself, I could have done it myself from the beginning. Funny how you mentioned that there are some things they WILL find though. Ask a man to get the butter from the fridge, and he'll declare there's none there. Ask him to find a beer, and he'll WILL one in there if he needs to :P
ReplyDeleteThere are some things men are just better at, though. I can't pack a car properly if my life depended on it. Most men I know can fit all the luggage, car seats, food, kids, and the kitchen sink in there just fine.
Yeah I have seen this disorder in our house too. Although my husband has stopped looking for things altogether. He just asks me where stuff is so that *I* have to go look for it.
ReplyDeleteI am starting to see this in our 3 year old son as well =(.
My husband has this disorder and then some! You are not alone. I find drawing a map and using other visuals helps but if the thing he is looking for is behind something else - well - he will be lost forever. I have often said that I am going to invent a fridge that takes up one wall but it only 6 inched deep so nothing ever has to go behind anything else again.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, being a woman, I know where everything in the house is - lost or not - and I can give him the exact GPS coordinated so that he can get back to his Unreal Tournament game ASAP and order can once again be restored.
@belindasbaubles - LOL! That sounds about right. We are looking into a cure but it's a long way off. Just stick to the simple rules that I laid out and you should be more than fine. But if I find a cure I will make sure you are he first to know. Sad story about the father losing the remote. That should never happen in this day and age.
ReplyDelete@Barb - I think it's genetics. The women usually grow out of the disorder. The men are permanently stuck with it.
@Dawn - Thanks! And, yeah... you really need to lay off of the smugness. It's not their fault. That item is TRULY invisible to them.
@Gaby - Love the BEER thing! You are right about that. If a beer is not within sight we can WILL one into existence. I haven't figured that one out though. I also like the car packing thing. You should ask my wife one day about how I fit a little more than a weeks worth of clothes and items in the trunk of a Gran Prix for a trip from Colorado BACK to Tennessee for my wife, my parents, my daughter and myself. I even amazed myself on that one!
@Diana - Your husband has self-diagnosed (and correctly, I might add) the disorder. That is the first step. And now that you know, your three year old son will thrive in a family environment that can cope and work around this issue.
@lizziehoop - I absolutely LOVE the 6-inch deep fridge idea! And the fact that it takes up a whole wall is a bonus. Just add a ladder to the equation and I'm sold! And sending him back to the Unreal Tournament... priceless. You're a keeper! :)
Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThere are some people in our house who suffer this dreaded affliction. They are named Doug, Chloe, Nathan and Sophia.
And you're right - if I want to find it, I should simply look for it. And when they can't find it? I should simply look for it.
Please pass the Wii.
So funny I tweeted the link.
ReplyDelete@Lisa - Thanks! More and more confirmed cases of this evil disorder. :) It looks like you didn't even need my tips.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the tweet. I'm not sure if I need to tell my wife or not because no one has ever tweeted me. At least none that I know about. :)
Thanks for the tips! I have the fantasy football problem myself. It's driving me crazy, but at least it gives me an excuse to read more blogs while he's in his own little world of fantasy. Otherwise it's just plain annoying. He actually gets in serious debates about it with his friends. You would think they were talking about something serious, but really it's just their make believe football draft. Sheesh!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and this literally made me laugh out loud. I will agree with some of the previous comments in that it is a 'child thing' too.
ReplyDelete@JoJo - I don't think you get it... The fantasy football... it's real. I only put that FAKE in my blog to make some people (such as yourself) feel better. Your husband in right about this one. It's serious stuff and he wants to be in another league tell him we have a spot in our *ahem* support group for him. :)
ReplyDelete@Clare - Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your words. That is until I get to the part where you agree with the 'child' comments. There is NOTHING childlike about this disorder... except for the behavior of men. But other than that... NOTHING!
LOL..Yup, I have come upon men who do not see things where they should be. I have learned NOT to trust men when they say: "Yes, I have checked there [where it's supposed to be] and it's not there." Next time, I should tell them: "Don't worry, it's not your fault you can't see things where they're suppose to be. You have a disorder:__________." Which brings me to the next issue: What is the disorder called, Dr. Que? :-D
ReplyDelete@dark_chocolate - You are a wise one. But you can still trust that we looked. Just don't expect us to find. I promise you I look for things. They just aren't there. Then my wife finds them in the places I looked.
ReplyDeleteYou brought up a good point. Every disorder must have a name. I thought about it before and wrote a few names down. But for some reason, I can't find the note. I will have to think about this one again. :)
For inspiration: [out of one of my favorite shows]LOL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QCxay0Pd_0
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah! I think I've got that, too! I was looking for something, what was it? See? I can't even remember what it was. dangit -- well I didn't find it so I went and bought a new one. My wife then found the item and I was dejectedly sent on my way to the return isle at home depot to get my money back.
ReplyDelete@Keith Wilcox - I'm loaded with it. I think that Home Depot and the such should have a department dedicated to just what you said. Not a "normal" return department. But a department for returning items that men purchase to replaced "lost" items.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, Jeremy's disorder has branched out from not just not being able to find something, to not being able to read a list directly in front of his face. For budgeting purposes, I create a weekly menu and magnetize it to the fridge right at manly-eyeball-height. EVERY SINGLE DAY Jeremy stands in front of the refrigerator, opens the door (which means he is within six inches of the menu on the upper freezer door), and asks me, "Missy, what am I supposed to have for lunch tomorrow?" EVERY DAY.
ReplyDeleteI used to say, "Read the menu." (Because I don't have it memorized.) But now, I simply do not answer. It turns out, instead of talking to himself outloud like any civilized insane person does, he talks outloud and inserts my name.
If I think about it, it's flattering really to be so constantly on his mind that when he talks to himself, he uses my name. The two have become one. :-)
That's not creepy, is it?
@Missy - WOW! He DOES have it bad. The creepy Multiple Personality Disorder aside, he could really use your support right now. These are some tough times. :)
ReplyDelete