Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I am truly the Man Of The House (at least that's what my wife tells me)!

I AM the man of the house and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  I know, I know... That's a very Old Testament approach to marriage.  But when you've got it... YOU'VE GOT IT! And how do I know I've got it??? My wife and kids let me know.  Plus, I have 5 reasons that fact can't be disputed.

First off... The remote is MINE!  I only ALLOW my wife and kids to use it every now and then (even though the baby just chews on it.  She's not old enough to know the power of the remote.  She also doesn't know that it's DADDY'S!).  And just because they have the remote more than me doesn't mean anything.  I'm a generous MOTH (when I write the acronym for Man Of The House like that, it doesn't sound as manly).  So I let them watch their little silly Hannah Montanas, Micky Mouse Club Houses (I kinda like that one) and their Private Practices.  But when I'm ready to watch my MANLY shows like Football, 24 or Desperate Housewives... they'd better hand over the remote.

Second off... I pretty much do what I want to do.  For example, I go play golf whenever I please.  Whenever I feel like going, I grab my clubs and tell my wife I will be back when I get back.  Now, I haven't played golf since March but that was MY choice.  I CHOSE to not go play golf.  I might CHOOSE to go play soon... like March... 2012. Then again... I might not.

Third off... When the kids want something, they know to go to their mother, FIRST.  Not because she's the final word, but because it's like a corporation.  When you have a concern you don't start out by going to the President.  You start lower and work your way up.  And I have a GREAT wife.  She makes sure most decisions don't get past her because she knows I have more important things to deal with (like golf and Desperate Housewives).  But when something does make it past my wife, I'm a nice MOTH.  I go back and ask my wife what she thinks about the issue.  And a lot of times I just let her have her way.  Then I put my foot down so everyone knows the decision is final!

Fourth off... They all treat my words as law!  When tell them something, they do it.  My 3-year old was taking a bath with the baby.  She decided to "clean" the baby's eyes by getting her hands all lathered up with soap and poking them into baby's eyes.  So my job as MOTH was to straighten this issue out NOW.  Whereas her mother counts to 3, I just told her ONCE!  I don't believe in all of that counting mess.  I told her once and she stopped.  Now... I had to tell her again a little later because 3-year olds have a short memory.  It wasn't that she was challenging me. She just forgot.  It's not her fault.  It's just our species.  And you know what... she stopped again!  That's what I'm talking about.  I did have to take the baby out of the tub after the 3rd time, though.  I didn't want her to be a 4-time victim of the "goldfish" memory of a 3-year old (It's not her fault).

And Finally... I made the decision to NOT have any boys.  My wife wanted at least 1 boy and I told her NO! I didn't want to deal with the inevitable power struggle between fathers and sons (too much of a hassle).  He would stand up to me. I would knock him down. Everyone would be mad.  I would have to put my foot down...  End of story. And then there would be hard feelings for years to come.  So being the intelligent MOTH that I am, I made that decision to save the family a few generations of heartache.  And it was my insight and willpower that made it all happen.  I kept ALL of the Y-Chromosomes to myself (See... even my genes yield to the awesome power that I hold).

So to those thinking I don't have the MOTH status, come on over to the house and see who has the remote (make sure you call to give us at least 5 minutes notice... you know... out of courtesy).  Then if that doesn't convince you, I will show you the control I have over the kids.  I'm sure watching that will shock and amaze you.  And if that still doesn't get you... count how many sons I have.  If that doesn't tell the story, I don't know what does!  Now excuse me... Desperate Housewives is back on.