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Thursday, May 19, 2011

I'm not THAT old... yet.

I was looking over my blog.  I do that from time to time.  Not in a narcissistic kind of way.  More like how a person who plays sports likes to study film of the competition before the big game.  (OK.  Maybe with a little hint of narcissism.)  When you are an actor, you ARE your competition.  So watching your performances is like watching game film.  You watch to see what statement can be made better.  You check for moments the crowd really thought you were funny.  (You keep that!)  You listen for moments when the crowd wasn't so in to what you were saying.  (You throw that mess out! Not that I ever had ANY of those moments (narcissism).)  But in the end, you use those previous attempts (successes AND failures) to perfect your craft.

(Now, I'm not sure why I wrote the above paragraph.  It could have been the beginnings of a wonderful masterpiece of a blog (again with the narcissism).  But, really, it has very little to do with the theme of this post.  As a matter of fact, that whole paragraph is only there to provide a segue to a statement that could have been summed up with this: I have noticed something on my Blog.)

I have almost reached the century mark of followers!  (A lot of people have more followers but none will love you like I do. Granted, that sounds a little creepy... but it's true.)  Then I thought, "WOW! Almost 100.  That is great!  I should really plan something for follower 100.  But what could I plan?  More importantly, how could I tell who is #100.  People might cheat just to get the prize that Que puts out there.  It might be another 8 x 10 glossy of me.  (Those went over well last time.)  It might be a map of Wyoming (same contest).  (There are very few of those in print so it might be of some value one day.)  It could be my wife's dog. (Please, oh, PLEASE let it be my wife's dog!)  Why am I thinking about this so much?  There is no way to tell who #100 is anyway.  So this is really pointless.  Plus, I might not ever make it to 100.  So many things could happen over the next 17 years (time it will take to get 4 more followers).  But 100 followers would be cool.  100.   That's a pretty big number.  I mean, it's not like BILLIONS but it's still good.  Unless, of course, you are talking about age....

(And there it was.  My little trip in stream of consciousness lead me to another thought and an even worse segue than the opening paragraph.  I'm getting old.  It's a pretty simple thought with a lot of complex variables.)

I'm getting old.  My birthday is in a few weeks.  I really don't have too much of a problem with the idea of getting old.  Birthday's are just another day for me.  And, I have already accepted that I'm theoretically closer to my end than my beginning.  Everyday brings me that much closer.  And I'm fine with that.  It really doesn't bother me too much.  I figure before I get too old the world will have gotten hit by an asteroid, or we will have been attacked by aliens or even that the Mayan prophecy might be right and we only have a year and a have left to live anyway.  (One sci-fi movie has to eventually be right.)  So, I'm more concerned about the signs that tell me I'm getting old.  There are a few things going on that leave me with the feeling that age is MUCH more than a number and the person who came up with the opposing view of that must have been on "younger" side of the statement.

How do I know I'm getting old?  Well... There are the classic signs.  I'm starting to have more hair in my nose and ears than I do on my head.  I'm a little upset about that one.  And I'm not upset that my hairline is receding faster than President Obama's (pre OBL slaying) Approval Rating. I'm upset that it takes forever for me to shave my head bald.  (Who would have thought?)  I know that's petty.  But it really does take a long time.  There are a lot of products geared toward preventing hair loss.  But where are the products geared toward removing hair and having it never come back again.  This is a product that could help men AND women.  (My personal opinion...  No one has done this because it has terrible capitalistic value.  Even if you found enough customers, you wouldn't have any repeat business... whether it worked or not.  And in order to get it to sell you would have to package it with a diet plan or a Foreman Grill or something.)

I can also tell I'm getting old because I have a daily routine.  And I don't mean the going to work or school.  We all do those things.  (Well, most of us.)  But, I'm talking about when I get home from work I have a daily routine.  I usually get home right before supper is done. (Most wonderful wife ever!) But I come in, say hello to the wife and kids and then go straight to the bathroom!  I go in there to wind down from work.  I'm not disturbed (most of the time).  I can sit down and relax. (I work with computers with both of my jobs. So I'm not sure why I just enjoy the sitting.  Maybe it has something to do with cool and porcelain.  I'm sure there is a therapy support group just waiting to happen in there somewhere.)  When all is calm (as calm as it can be) and all is quiet (Ok, that's pushing it (not sure if the "pushing it" pun was intended or not)) it's time for the Sudoku!  There are times I'm completely done with the business portion of the bathroom break before I ever start with the pleasure portion.  I love me some Sudoku!  The book I'm working on right now has a few hundred puzzles and I have been working on it for a year and a half.  That's quality time folks.

After the Sudoku bathroom break, it's time for dinner.  The family eats together.  We talk about work.  We talk about school.  We fight with the kids for not eating their vegetables.  Then, I fight with my wife when she tries to make me eat MY vegetables. (Especially those stupid lima beans!  I would absolutely WASTE a Back to the Future trip in time just to go to Peru when they started farming that mess and punch the dude right in the face.  Farming that was something that should have never been done... ever.  It did permanent damage to the space/time continuum.  I know that is harsh but the guy deserves to be punched.  I would even take my DeLorean and do donuts through every single lima bean crop in existence before I took my 1.21 Gigawatts ride back home!  Sorry for the long aside.  I really hate lime beans.)

After diner, it's time for the kids baths.  Story time follows.  (Sometimes I even read the kids a story!)  Then it time to put the kids to bed.  After THAT fight it's quiet time again.  So what do we do?  Angry Birds.  (If you are reading this and know my wife, you may ask her about MY Angry Birds skills at your own risk.  You have been warned.  But when you ask her, please record the reaction.  I'm thinking of posting some YouTube material.  And that would be a good place to start.)  After my total domination of Angry Birds it's time to brush the teeth and go to bed.  That is my normal routine.  And nothing says OLD like a daily routine.

Here's the last reason I'm going to post as to how I know I'm getting old.  I'm always making references to songs just like my parents.  When I was growing up, all I would hear from my parents when I was listening to a song was, "Aw, that ain't nothin' but a James Brown song!" Or, "They just stole that song from Stevie Wonder."  And even, "I thought that was Gladys Knight until they started singing.  Now it just sounds like the Pips!"  And you know what... They were right.  There are few things new in the recording industry.  And the things that are new stink.  So all of the good stuff you hear today is just sampled or remade from hit songs of years past.  (Now if that little rant doesn't sound like my father then I don't know what does.  A lot of the kids' songs today really don't do justice to the songs of the 80s that they stole them from.  It's almost like the world didn't end at the new Millennium but creativity did. (If you don't believe me, look at the movie industry.  There are so many "reboot" movies taken from the 80s it's ridiculous! - Batman - Superman - A-Team - G.I.Joe (I could go one forever)))

My only saving grace to this is that at least I haven't made the statement, "as long as you live under my roof" blah, blah, blah.   Not that I wouldn't but the situation really hasn't presented itself.  My oldest will be a teenager this year so I'm sure I'm just a few months away from that OLD person staple.  Plus, the older I get the more I have to fight the urge to just NOT say those words.  I keep saying I'm GETTING old.  But I will announce that I AM old the day I say those words.  My fighting it will be over at that point and I can move on with my life... one foot in the grave and all.

In spite of everything you just read, I'm really serious when I say I'm fine being old.  It's the getting old that's the problem. (Do you believe that?)