Old Dog, New Trick

I'm sure everyone has heard that old saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  Well, I would like to challenge that theory.  Or if the statement is true, then what about the old dog teaching itself a new trick. I'm pretty sure that has to be allowed by the rules.

So, my wife was making me watch New Moon.  I'm sorry.  That REALLY didn't come out right.  Let me try that again.  It had been a while since my wife and I had watched a movie.  So I, being the WONDERFUL husband that I am, decided we would watch a movie my wife wanted to watch.  (And yes I know we are way behind on our movies.  We are poor and we have kids.  Movie watching in the theater is a luxury saved for RICH people.)

It was riveting tale of a woman (Bella) who has an affliction that only allows her one emotion, one facial expression and one tone.  (My heart immediately went out to her.) And if her struggle to live a normal life with these multiple disabilities weren't enough to make you reach for the Kleenex (with aloe), she's also in love with a guy who has led a hard life was well.  Not only does he (President and member of the Team Edward fan club) suffer from an even worse case of the very same disorders as she (staggering odds of that), he also has a skin disease that makes him light up like a Christmas tree whenever he is in direct sunlight.  You throw in all of this and add a Vitamin D deficiency, a dental disaster, a thirst for o negative and a side order of commitment issues and you can see where the woman's life is perfect for this glorious piece of non-fiction bliss.  (It MUST be true.  You can't make this crap up.)

THEN... she has another guy who follows her around like a lap dog. (Get it?!?)  He sees through her obvious drama (understatement) and loves her anyway.  He (Team Jacob or the Artist Formerly Known as Sharkboy) finds emotion in her that no one else sees.  He can smell the goodness in her heart from miles away.  He's just an all-around good guy.  So what does she do in this case?  She leads him on and then dumps him for Sir Sparks-A-Lot and the Cullen Posse.  (With their latest single - Baby Got Drac (A few of you will get it.  Even less will think it's actually funny.))

Quick interjection: I haven't seen the latest movie.  Nor have I read any of the books.  So PLEASE don't comment any spoilers about what happens in the latest film.  If I'm going to have to watch that movie too, I at least want the story to unfold in front of me.  I would hate to have to sit through the next movie already knowing what's going to happen.  Thanks.

Now, back to the real story.  We were watching this movie when MY dog starts to try to pick a fight with my WIFE'S dog.  For those who haven't read my earlier posts about my dog (also this one)... He is a 10 pound Shih Tzu.  He is also getting old (almost 12 in human years).  He's a very passive dog and only barks when he is left in a room that he doesn't want to be in.  He is never afraid of a bigger dog (including trying to hold his own against the St. Bernard a few years ago at the groomers) but he doesn't try to start fights with them either.

That last statement is very true except on those rare occasions when he gets a wild hair up his butt (another Southern term for my wife's Southern Terms list) and tries to fight my wife's dog.  My dog stutter jumps at my wife's dog and tries to play that flinching game.  He does this to really get my wife's dog agitated.  He goes around my wife's dog and follow him everywhere until my wife's dog attacks back.  Then my dog will jump up on furniture and try to gain the tactical advantage of higher ground against a bigger, faster and stronger opponent.  It seldom work out in his favor but he has been doing this for years.  This is always fun to watch.  And this night wasn't any different.  Or so I thought...

My dog finally took the advantage in this fight and I was cheering him on like he had finally turned the tides in this life-long mission to squash my wife's dog.  I was yelling and showing my support for my little champion.  My heart was racing a little and I found my excitement to crown the new champ of the dog world when I noticed something out of the ordinary.  Apparently, MY dog found this new advantage a little bit... uh... exciting as well.

"Hmmm... Honey... I think my dog just learned a new trick."

My dog started goin' to town (Southern Urban term.  If you don't know, ask.  If you are afraid to ask, look it up.) on my wife's dog.  And I was frozen.  I didn't know what to say or do.  I always wondered what my dog would do if he ever got the upper hand and I got my answer.  This was his big shining moment (so to speak)!  All of these years, I thought my dog with getting feisty during these times but he was really just being "frisky".

Finally, I came to my senses after laughing harder than I have laughed in a long time.  We stopped the whole ordeal before we had to get the water hose.  All was fine after that but I can't say I wasn't left with a few mental scars.  I will never look at those "wild" times the same.  And though I will continue to cheer my dog on to victory, I will also continue to stop him short of winning the war.  That's just not something you surprise your friends with (even if they ARE another dog).  Especially when you have to live with them afterwards. (That was some free advice folks. Take it or leave it.)

I figure he learned this new trick because we were watching a Twilight movie.  I can't wait to see what he learns when I have him watch a REAL vampire/werewolf story like Underworld. But that is another post for another day.

Be Careful What You Wish For (Wyoming , Part 2 - The final Chapter)

Well, it finally happened!  Wyoming has entered the building!  It took 5 days but I will take the blame for that one.  Apparently, I wasn't yelling loudly enough.  Thank you, Wyoming!  You don't know what this small gesture on a LARGE scale means to me.

Personally, I was beginning to lose faith.  My belief in my fellow man was starting to waiver.  It even made me go through the 5 Stages of Grief.

Day 1 - Denial - Surely SOMEONE from Wyoming has click on my site.  My blogger statistics MUST be wrong.  I mean, it says I have all 50 states... Oh, crap... 49 states + DC.   But that just doesn't make sense.  Maybe, Wyoming is not even a state and I'm just worrying for nothing.  Ha! That's what it is.  Oh, man... that feels SOOO much better.

Day 2 - Anger - Google needs to get this mess fixed!  They SAY Wyoming is a state but on my people-who-have-clicked-on-my-site map there's a blank spot where Wyoming should be.  Every OTHER state is shaded green. Why not Wyoming!?!?

Day 3 - Bargaining - If you read part 1, you witnessed the bargaining.

Day 4 - Depression - No one from Wyoming loves me.  They are ignoring me as if I'M the one who doesn't exist.  I just don't now how I will go on knowing they are there but they won't... just... click on my site.  Help me, help you. (I tried a Jerry Maguire quote to Wyoming before and it didn't work.  So I decided to try another.)

Day 5 - Acceptance - Fine.  I don't need you to complete me. (But I did...)

I was beginning to wonder if the state did, in fact, exist.  I kept hearing stories of people who know someone who knows someone that might have been friends with someone who went to college with someone who lives in Wyoming.   It was like the 7 degrees of Wyoming!

But on the Great 5th day of my obsession, Wyoming made itself known.  With a single click of the mouse, someone poked their head out of their hiding place, saw their shadow and declared there would be 6 more weeks of Summer.  Wait... sorry.... WRONG STORY!

But you have to be careful what you wish for.  Now that someone has clicked on the site.  The Obsession is gone!  I mean, sure I'm glad they did.  But something is different now.  During those 5 days, I was checking EVERY SINGLE TIME someone visited my site to see if they were from Wyoming.  Now I don't check any more. :(

I'm sure my friends are happy.  Because now I have more time to hang out and do NOTHING with them.  I'm sure my boss is happy because I might actually get some work done with all of this free time.  My kids must be happy because now daddy can play with them instead of pushing them back by the forehead and telling them to stay away from daddy's computer or face the consequences.  I guess my wife is happy now because I had become so obsessed that I couldn't even... well... I'm just going to say that my wife is happier now and leave it at that.

But it is over now and I must move on with my life the best way I can.  I will probably pick up a new obsession.  Who knows?  But before I lay this to rest I wanted to say that I figured out a few things with this experience.  There are some things the internet doesn't tell you about Wyoming.  Here is what I found out.

• If you ever have to go into the witness protection program, they are probably going to send you to Wyoming. There is very little contact from outside world.  Also, the odds of anyone recognizing you are very slim.  And if someone finds you in that state, you deserve to be caught.
• If there is ever World War 3 and the missiles start flying all over the place... head to Wyoming.  I'm sure there is not a SINGLE missile pointed in their direction.  I'm almost sure no other country besides us know they even exist.  (Much more secure than NORAD!)
• I was watching the movie Zombieland and realized that if there was ever a zombie invasion or biological communicable disease that simulates zombie-itis then Wyoming is the BEST place to be!  There's only a few people there, so they would be easy to avoid.  Also, I would imagine the zombies are going to where the "food" is so Wyoming wouldn't even be on the menu for years.  There would be plenty of time for Woody Harrelson, Will Smith or Milla Jovovich to find the cure and save the world before it ever reaches you.  (This also goes for vampires.  You have less time than with zombies but I'm pretty sure you will be safe.)
• And lastly... This state is PRIMED for a supper massive game of Hide and Go Seek!  You could literally hide for years without anyone finding you.  Make sure you pack a lunch (a few of them actually).  

I guess that's it folks.  Though it only lasted 5 days, it is still a completed goal that I can mark OFF of my bucket list.  I'm gonna miss you Wyoming.  Our paths might not ever cross again (except in the case of a zombie attack, World War 3 or a serious game of Hide and Seek that I absolutely plan to win), but I will always remember the good times.  I even kept a picture of you for everyone to remember you by.

Before:

It was like someone took the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle and hid it...
in Wyoming.

After:

Ahh... The completeness!
DISCLAIMER: No Photoshop was used to complete this goal.

Looks ARE Deceiving!

Some of you have been asking me to post some pics of the family.  I have been doing a terrible job of taking pics.  But my wife captured one I wanted to post.  Here is our 4-year old.  I know you are not going to believe it but this little "angel" is our terror!  She runs the house.  She has more fits than all of the rest of us combined (and that includes our almost 2-year old).

She is the one that was mentioned in these posts.

• Fatherly Advice to My Middle Child
• House FULL of Women!
• Where are the Penguin PJs?
• Houston... Wii have a problem
• The 4-Year Old Goes From Student to Master
• A conversation you don't hear when you have less than 2 small children

I know after reading these you are not going to believe that I'm talking about the 4-year old in the pic.  But trust me... Looks ARE Deceiving!

My Newest Obsession

So I have a new obsession.  (I know my wife is like, "What is it now?!?" - In my defense, those Tickle Me Elmos will NEVER go out of style. You can take that one to the BANK!)  I was looking through the stats of some of my readers because I like to know which states are diggin' my vibe. (No one says that phrase any more for some reason.  But I like it.) Of course, Tennessee is really just destroying the other states because we ROCK!  (Or it could be because I live here and most of my friends live here.  Another reason could be because it doesn't distinguish between my actual readers and how many time I click on my OWN site.  That's probably half of it right there.) There are 4 more states with honorable mentions: #2 - Indiana, #3 - Illinois, #4 - Cali, and #5 - Texas.  (GO COWBOYS!)  You guys rock, but just a little less than the big TN right now.  There's still time, though.

So here is where my newest obsession comes in.  I started looking at numbers and something jumped out at me.  Even though I am not very popular in the blogging world (or any other world for that matter), I have readers all across the country.  Some states only have 2 visitors but I count them too. (West Virginia, South Dakota and Delaware - You guys pebble!)  I should be proud to say that I'm at least interesting enough that at least 1 person from every state has checked out my site. But I can't make that claim.  There is 1 state that is forcing me to add a * any time I want to say that every state in the entire USA* (see what I mean) has registered at least 1 viewer on my site.  And that state is... [drum roll please]... freaking WYOMING!

Image via Wikipedia

Now... I could take the low road and say some really offensive things about Wyoming right now but what's the point.  No one there would even see it.  It would be like a tree falling in the forest with no one around. (In case you were wondering... it DOES make a sound.)  I went all the way back to when I started regularly writing this blog and not a single mouse-click from Wyoming.  That means not only am I not interesting enough to have at least 1 fan from there, but also that no one in the state has even ACCIDENTALLY clicked on my site... nothing!

So I could take this minor inconvenience as what it is and just walk away.  I could walk away knowing that I have readers in other countries around the world like: Hong Kong, Norway, Nepal (Really? Nepal), Iran (Wait, how did that get there?!?) and Romania.  (I do realize that those countries probably hit my site on accident but I'm counting them too!) But I'm not like that.  I'm not happy just walking away and leaving 1 state untouched.  This really bugs me!

So I'm going to challenge myself.  You hear that, Wyoming?!?!  I may not be on YOUR radar but you are on MINE!  I'm going to challenge myself to find just one person in the state of Wyoming to click on my site.  (Preferably on purpose but I'm not discriminating!)  All I'm asking for is just ONE click.  It's going to be a little tough because I don't know anyone from Wyoming.  I'm not even sure if I have ever met anyone from there.  But that's why this is a challenge.

Now the hard part is how to break the proverbial ice with the whole state.

Maybe I should talk nicely to it: Hello, Wyoming!  How's everything going?  Even though you have the smallest population of any of the United States (about a third of the population of Metro Nashville) you are still big to us (the 10th largest state in the union).  We really should hang out sometime.

Maybe I should apologize to it: I'm sorry, Wyoming.  I haven't been such a great friend.  When we plan family vacations, we don't even think of you.  And that is my fault.  I mean you have Yellowstone National Park out there.  So we will have to make at least 1 trip out there to see Old Faithful AND Yogi Bear.  What was that, Wyoming?  What did you say?  Ohhhh.... Yogi lives in JELLYstone and not YELLOWstone.  Who knew? Well, I won't let that small (large) oversight keep me from visiting.  We really don't have a great past (or any past) together.  And I promise to change that going forward.

A Jackalope in all of its glory!

Maybe I should offer it a gift: Wyoming... I would like to give you a Theme Park or some other interesting tourist attraction.  I do understand that you have the Jackalope Territory.  And that is a MUST SEE for any would-be tourist. (I'm serious about that one.  I really would like to see some Jackalopes.)  But I don't think it has the same affect as a Disney World or a Six Flags over Cheyenne.  Not that you really want all of those visitors to you state, but try it on for size and let me know how you like it.  Truth be told, I wouldn't really be too upset if we had to go back to the Jackalopes.  Just sayin'.

Maybe I should offer it a strong beverage, witty banter and suggest an inappropriate relationship between a person and a state: Here's to you, Wyoming. This one's on me. Now, let's cut the crap!  You need me and I need you.  Let's do dis thang!  We could go the friend route but you and I BOTH know that would leave us wanting more.  And I'm just not ready to give up on you.  I would rather live in YOUR world than to live without you in MINE.  You complete me.

And if NONE of that works, I'm going to resort to bribery.  Now, my wife and I don't have any money.  And even if we did, I'm not sure she would let me do much with it after the whole Tickle Me Elmo thing.  (Sorry, Honey.)  But I will definitely not let my first Wyomingan go away empty handed.  This quest has monumental written all over it.  So there will definitely be a prize in for you.  There MUST be a prize.  Even if the prize is just getting an 8x10 photo of me doing this:

Yeah... Unfortunately, that's really me.
But the 8x10 is stunning! 

And even if that picture of me is not enough (I can't imagine that it wouldn't be), you will help me do something even more important.  You will be the first (and probably only) fan that I have in the entire state.  You will help me remove that dreaded * from the USA.  You will help me reunite this great nation in a way that it hasn't seen in years (dare I say centuries)!

And when the skeptics and Naysayers pipe up ask, "Wyoming???" (Because you know they will!) I will proudly stand up, put my hand over my heart and respond with a statement that will be quoted for ages, "Wy(not)oming?!?"  Because, that's how much you mean to me.

Dad By Trade Award Time

Well, folks... It's looks like my blog was presented with 2 awards.  (Really, it was 3 awards but I got the same one from 2 different people and 2 from 1 person.  But who's counting... besides me?)  I'm not sure why I was given these awards.  I really don't think these people actually read my blog.  It is definitely not award worthy.  But, nonetheless, I will accept my *ahem* Nobel Peace Prize and I will pay it forward.

Here are the two awards I received.

A Blog With Substance

Versatile Blogger Award

I received the "A Blog With Substance" Award from 2 different people.  But I love BOTH of their blogs.  They have me laughing regularly.  The first to send it to me was JoJo @ Newlywed Adventures.  The second one to give me this award was Lilly @ A Pre-Life Crisis.  You should definitely check their sites out.  And when you go there, let them know I sent you.  I might win a prize or something. (Neither of them actually said that but here's hoping!)

Now, I'm supposed to sum up my blog in 5 words...

Life with kids is crazy! (I was going to say something like: I really like fish sticks! (But I really don't.) Or something like: Every Good Boy Does Fine. (But I don't know much about music.  And if you don't know that statement then you don't know much about music either.) Or even: Man, this rash really itches. (But that would be WAY too personal... and gross!)) So, by the process of elimination, I chose "Life with kids is crazy!"

 I also received the Versatile Blogger Award.  And with this one I'm supposed to write 7 things about me.  Not that you are interested but you've already read this far so what's the harm.

1. I'm VERY internally competitive.  Most people know I like to play games and sports but they don't know how much I want to play my best and win the game.  As I said, it's internal and I don't let that out a lot.
2. In spite of #1, I'm a good team player.  I always feel better about a loss if everyone is playing to their potential.  I never yell or talk down to my teammates when they are playing bad.  And I always, always, always take personal responsibility for a loss.
3. My favorite color changes from black to purple (closer to violet) and back almost daily.  (I mean, Prince fan... Purple.  And black goes with everything. (See, that my versatility coming out.  I give fashion as welll as life tips!)
4. I don't find Will Ferrell as funny as most people do.  I do understand that I'm the one with the problem when most others appreciate his humor.  I do find him funny... sometimes.  But I'm just not a huge fan.
5. I would rather be REALLY early to something than even a minute late to anything.  However, when I judge time, I usually get to where I'm going with only a few minutes to spare. But I'm not late!
6. I'm pretty religious (Christian) and I love science at the same time.  The more I learn about science, the more I believe in GOD.
7. With #6 in mind, I COMPLETELY respect others right/decision to NOT believe in GOD as well as their right/decision to worship GOD in any way they choose (as long as it doesn't affect anyone else).

 The award called for 7 but I'm going to do 10.  It's my blog and I will do what I want.

***BONUS***

• I am an observer.  I like to watch people.  I learn a lot that way.  The only problem is I do that with my children.  So I catch myself a lot of times genuinely WATCHING my kids instead of actually DOING something with them.  It doesn't mean I don't DO things.  It's just during some of those times I catch myself WATCHING I need stop myself and start DOING.
• I secretly fear I'm going to leave something out in the education of my children that they will need in reading, writing, math, science, art, religion, finance, love and life. Even with that list, I feel I'm leaving things out.  I know you can't prepare your kids for everything in life but it still bugs me.
• Lastly... Though I don't always do right by my wife, I ALWAYS put her above any and all others.  I may be separate from her (as a person) but we are one (with GOD). 

 Now, I'm supposed to pass this on to 10 other blogs.  But I'm only going to do something different.  (Again, this is my blog and I will do what I want! :) )  I have something else planned for my blogger friends.  I'm not sure when it will be complete but I will definitely show them some love.  So until then, you are just stuck with a promise.

Again, I would like to thank JoJo @ Newlywed Adventures and Lilly @ A Pre-Life Crisis for giving me the awards.  I really appreciate it.  I hope to also have new material soon but as of right now I need to have a talk with 2 of my kids. (This oldest is not here so she's safe.)  This does remind me that there is one thing I left off of the list of things I don't want to forget to teach my kids.  And that one thing is discipline.  So I want to thank my 2 youngest right now for giving me the opportunity to teach them this lesson.  In 5 minutes I will be able to mark that one off my list.  And I will not let the 4-year old convince me the refrigerator wrote on itself this time.