Taekwondo update (Day 2)

Well, people... It only took 1 day before I questioned the decision to let the 4-year old take Taekwondo.  On the way to school she was telling me that she wanted to show her teacher that she can kick.  I thought that was a great idea!  She's excited and wanted to show her new skills.

So I asked, "How are you going to show your teacher?"

She said, "I'm going to kick Jenny!"

(Just so everyone knows... There is no Jenny.  I changed the name to protect the innocent.  Plus, I didn't want the parents of "Jenny" reading my blog only to find out that the B.R.U.T.E.'s father knew ahead of time that this seemingly innocent, bad judgement call on the part of the 4-year old was actually premeditated kiddie battery.  Did I mention that "Jenny" is her best friend?  I probably shouldn't have mentioned that last part because that really narrows down the field to just one and probably throws out my plausible deniability defense.)

I had to use this moment as a learning experience.  I tried to explain to her that we don't kick "Jenny," baby sister or anyone else except when she is "training."  This was really throwing her because she wanted to show her teacher but couldn't figure out how she was going to do it without kicking someone.  And she was really hurt to find out she couldn't kick "Jenny."

Now you can see I REALLY think the little one is in trouble.  Just to add insult to injury, I just got a message from my wife that said this (if you are friends with her on Facebook you already know what happened):

My wife: "Where is your little sister?"

The B.R.U.T.E.: "In the closet".

My wife: "Why is she in the closet?"

The B.R.U.T.E.: "I put her there".

My wife: "Will you please let her out?"

The B.R.U.T.E.: ........

This one is going 10 rounds folks.  And I think we just hit round 3! Anyway, I gotta go.  I have to come up with a list of completely acceptable people to kick.  She's gonna do it anyway!  I just need to find a way to channel it.  Plus, why not use this power for "good?"  There are several BAD people she can kick just for daddy!

If you missed the original post of the Taekwondo class click here.

Storm Brewing in the World of Que

There is something happening in the Que household that I'm not too sure about.  I have slept on this for several nights and still haven't found the peace within my soul to say this is a good decision or not.  I have weighed the Pro and Cons and have made up my mind regardless of the outcome.  My 4-year old daughter is taking Martial Arts.

To most of you this doesn't sound like a big deal.  But to my long time (a few months worth) readers this is HUGE!  If you read my Fatherly Advice to My Middle Child you will know that she is in an interesting position.  She's a B.R.U.T.E. but she hasn't gained any weight (probably) since her 1st birthday.  It's hard to be a B.R.U.T.E. when you throw your weight around and get swept up by the wind.  She's one good sneeze away from being one of those "helicopter" seeds that fall out of trees and spin their way to the ground.  Therein lies the problem.

With the little one catching up to her in weight, I fear for her safety.  Granted, it's a SLOW catching up but a catching up, nonetheless.  And when the little one gets to the right size I predict the B.R.U.T.E. is going see a hurtin'.  And to make it worse, the B.R.U.T.E. didn't even read my letter to her.  So she's sleeping on the floor in the little's one room.  (This is actually a sore subject of mine because we paid good money for her to have nice mattresses to sleep on last year and she STILL likes to sleep on the floor).  So the two doors and 20ft of carpet separating the two have now been reduced to the baby jail bars.  With the little one's sentence ending soon this could get interesting.

Now maybe she's taking the "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" approach.  If that's the case, she's a genius.  Or she's taking this time to get some extra mocking in before the bars come of.  If THAT'S the case... she's an idiot.  Either way, it's probably time to teach her to protect herself since she insists on playing so close to the hornets nest.

She's now taking Taekwondo (first class was tonight).  This should give her the means of protecting herself against the little one's fists of fury.  The thing that makes it a problem is what happens if she decides to be true to her namesake (B.R.U.T.E.) and starts to Taekwondo-size her little sister (or anyone else's kids for that matter)?  I'm pretty sure I could stop her.  I mean, I have the weight on her.  I have the lightning speed of a cheetah.  I'm ready to pounce at a moment's notice. But what happens when I'm not there.  The little one can't make complete sentences yet (minus "thank you").  So the B.R.U.T.E. might just adopt the policy "What happens in the toddler room, stays in the toddler room."  And, that's just what I'm afraid of.

SO what's a father to do?  Do I take the side of the B.R.U.T.E. and "potentially" hand her the Weapon of Lass Destruction.  OR... Do I keep her from taking Martial Arts classes and allow the little one to pass her in size and strength and become the BIGGER, little sister (capable of taking down older siblings with one punch).

That was the protector in me talking.

What I really want to do is prepare them both so I have a reason to buy a referee's uniform.  Then I can set up a webcam and take bets on the ensuing frenzy that is Toddler Fighter Challenge (check your cable company for Pay Per View rates and times).

I'm just kidding....
Or am I?

Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!!

For the update as to what happened the very next day after her first lesson click here.

A conversation you don't hear when you have less than 2 small children

I had one of those moments today that can only happen when you have more than one child.  For those with 2+ kids, you will know exactly what I'm talking about.  For those with 1- kids... variations of this happen ALL the time.  So just be prepared.  These are also the stories that grandparents love to hear about the "little angels." I'm not exactly sure what I call these scenarios but here it goes.

I was getting the kids ready to leave the house today.  And, of course, my wife FORCES me to make sure I have the correct number of shoes and socks, shirt and pants (shorts).  I told my wife we live in the South and most of that stuff is optional. She's not from the South so she's not buying it.  And in addition to my NORMAL checklist, she started making me add: Make sure the clothes you do decide on actually FIT.  I'm not sure why that was added but I think it had something to do with THIS POST. And since I AM the M.O.T.H. I will flex my muscles, show my dominance, ROAR with the power, strength and fortitude of the majestic lion... then... I will do whatever it was she told me to do in the first place.  I may be the M.O.T.H. but I'm NO idiot.  I just personally don't believe there is ALWAYS a need to have BOTH shoes on when you leave the house.  I'm just sayin'...

So, I'm looking for BOTH shoes and, of course, one is missing.  This is normal (hence my attitude toward two shoes).  This little search usually lasts about 10 minutes (unless you have to be somewhere in 10 minutes... then it lasts 30).  But, today, I had an ace in the hole.  The little one (the 20-month old) found the shoe.  And it was in record time, too.  This search only lasted 5 minutes!  In parent time that is an amazing feat.  We just shaved on 5 minutes off of our usual routine.  In all actuality, the little one probably hides them to begin with but that's another post for another day.

The little one brought me the shoe.  I took the shoe from the her hands and told her "thank you."  So, naturally, she told me "thank you" in return.  I can only assume that she was either thanking me for thanking her or that she hadn't learned "you're welcome" yet.  Now, the middle child knows "you're welcome" and saw this as a perfect moment to take credit for something she didn't even do.  I'm completely sure she got that lovely trait from me so I left it alone.  But little did I know that this was going to spark a CRAZY conversation that you would only hear if you had more than one small child.  Here's how it went...

Child 1 (the little one): Thank you.
Child 2 (the middle one): You're welcome.
Child 1: Thank you.
Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Dad's mind:  (What in the world is going on here?)

Dad's words: Ok. Let's get go.  We have to go meet mommy (thinking naively that this would stop the conversation).

Child 2: OK.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

We get into the car...

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

We are driving down the street...

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

This is starting to drive me nuts!  And FINALLY it's starts to get to the middle child so she stops talking.  I really thought this would stop the conversation.  Silly me.  It didn't stop the conversation.  It only changed the dynamics of it.

Child 1: Thank you.

(5 seconds of silence)

(No response)

Child 1: Thank you.

(5 seconds of silence)

(No response)

Child 1: Thank you.

(5 seconds of silence)

(No response)

Child 1: Thank you.

(5 seconds of silence)

(No response)

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  She's perfectly content having this conversation all by herself!

Child 1: Thank you.

(5 seconds of silence)

(No response)

Child 1: Thank you.

(5 seconds of silence)

(No response)

Child 1: Thank you.

(5 seconds of silence)

(No response)

This really needed to stop.  My child was skipping like a broken record. (HA! Over half of you have no idea what that sounds like (or what a record is for that matter).)  So I decided to work with the only ally I had.  I was going to have to convince the middle child that the line must be drawn here!  I had to devise a scheme to get the little one to stop this foolishness.  And I needed the help of the middle one.  It was gonna cost me.  I knew it.  She knew it.  But before I could get my beautifully crafted plan from my brain to my lips... The middle one went from ally to enemy in 2 words...

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Child 1: Thank you.

Child 2: You're welcome.

Dad's mind: (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!)

Dad's words: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

This pretty much went on until we got to where we were to meet mommy.  My wife still doesn't know why I didn't even let her vehicle come to a complete stop before I started chucking kids into car seats.  When they were (quietly) sitting in her car and I was getting ready to go into work, I had to fight the urge with every ounce of my being to keep from looking at the little one and saying "You're welcome."  Ultimately I didn't do it because I didn't want to lose my only ally left in this War on Toddler. But I will say this... Next time I'm going to take my wife's words to the letter of the law.  She only told me that both shoes were a must.  She didn't say both kids were!

Dad's Words: Thank you.

For this and other blogs come visit the crew at Dad-Blogs for Fatherhood Friday.
Also, for some of my shorter ramblings check out my Daily Short Reads.

PSST.... Ladies, I Have a Secret to Tell You

I have been wondering if should tell this or not.  But I think the time has come to share a secret.  Women, I'm gonna give you a secret that will change your life.  This secret is really about how to keep your man happy (whether he is your spouse, fiancé, or boyfriend). This secret can make life easier (for those who use it wisely) or a valuable weapon (if used maliciously).  It is because of this double scoop of yin/yang-edness that might cause me to lose my MAN card.  But how does the saying go?: If you lose something and it comes back to you, it never was.  But if you let it go and it comes back with a 10% off coupon then you can return it without any questions.... or something like that.  Anyway, the secret I want to tell the women of the world is:


If Judge Judy can write a book called K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid) then surely I can write a book called M.A.S.S. (Men Are Simple... Seriously (changed just enough to keep from getting sued)).  That is my secret. Men are simple.  We are as simple as the previous sentence.


We are unbelievably simple!  Basically, if you spend a minute and a half trying to get the full understanding of something we said or did, then you spent 85 more seconds than we did on the same issue.  Don't over-think!  Take the simplest reason and it is probably what we were thinking.  I think not accepting the simpleness is what generates the complexness of most situations.


Here's why I believe we are so simple. We grow up but we don't ever really mature.  It's like that theory that says if you domesticate a cat it never truly reaches adulthood.  We are the same way (domestication optional).  Case and point: What we like to do when we are 15 we like to do when we are 50 or 150. (I know at 150 we would be dead but our ghosts still have the 15-year mentality.)  Our tastes only change a little as we get older.  Everything we like to eat, smell, do, play... It's all decided by age 15.  Anything else is a mild variation of the same thing.


I still love to watch the same TV shows and movies.  You get me Smurfs, Tom and Jerry or old Transformers (tv show or movie (still cry when Optimus Prime dies in the movie)) and I'm happy.  Don't forget Star Wars (IV, V, VI).  I could go on forever with this but my point is I loved those things when I was younger and I still love those things now. 


We still play the same games.  I have a bag in my car RIGHT NOW that has the original Nintendo, the old school Super Nintendo and the advanced-for-its-time Nintendo 64 in it (with games).  I'm not telling you why it's there but the point still remains.... I played some of those games when I was 9 and I still have fun playing them.  Sadly, they are taking up the spot that used to be for my golf clubs.  Speaking of golf....


Golf and sports in general REALLY make us at like children.  If I could, I would play golf everyday (twice a day).  Football is worse!  I starting liking the Cowboys when I was 4.  30+ years later, I'm still exactly the same way (beer, bad language and all).  (Quick Side Note: My wife HATES the Cowboys so there is no need for anyone to jump down my throat for that.  My wife will take care of that when football season starts.)  Another thing about men and sports... Even though we are older we still believe we can play those sports like we are in our teens.  That RARELY ends well and is often sad.  However, the times we DO accomplish the feat of playing like we are still in our youth.... It's becomes this magical thing that has a life all it's own.  We will never forget it and neither will our significant others.  (My wife probably still rolls her eyes when I start the story of my flag football team taking out the young 20 somethings to win the championship a couple of years back.  That day will go down in the opposite of infamy. As a matter of fact, my wife is probably somewhere right now rolling her eyes as I'm writing this.  And YES I DO believe we can still win it again (more eye rolls)!)  Then there's food.


When it comes to foods, we don't like to try new things.  That's not to say we won't.  That's just to say that no matter what restaurant I go to I look for the chicken fingers on the menu.  And if I KNOW the fingers are good, I will order that every single time I go to the restaurant.  Sometimes I try to fool myself into thinking I'm going to get something different but it never works.  I do get crazy with the chicken fingers every now and then.  Sometimes is get BBQ sauce; Sometimes I get Sweet N Sour; Sometimes I get Honey Mustard. (You get my point.)


Now, I will say this... There ARE exceptions to the SIMPLE rule.  A (nother) quick note on the men that fall into the exceptions category.... Save yourself! Throw them back!  They are of no use to you or anyone else.  They will make your life so complicated...  Consider yourself warned.  And if we are friends with those guys, we don't like hanging around them either.  They complicate our lives as well.  We are just able to handle them a little better.  Probably because our intelligence DOES drop a few points when we hang out with our friends.  It's one of those scientific mysteries (like black holes and duck-billed platypuses (a creature so weird there's no accepted PLURAL form of the word)).  But we have LOOOONG come to grips with the I.Q. "droppage" and, frankly, we kinda like it!  (It makes it easier to follow through on the double and triple dog dares we receive during guys nights.)


So women, if you want to take over the world (or just keep you men happy) then you just need realize the simplicity that is man.  There have been books after books about that subject that are far more complicated than the acts themselves.  Some of those books are going to contradict everything I just wrote.  And the truth of the matter is that book was either written by someone who needed to fill a lot of pages to get it published or it was written by a woman.


And for all of the women who have realized what I'm saying is true but have decided to keep the man with the hope of changing him one day, just remember this... Is it easier to tell a 4-year old that they need to change and move up to YOUR level of maturity or is it easier for you to work your way down to theirs?  See... now you understand.  You should lower your expectations and (if we love you) we will find a way to meet you in the middle.


Women... This is the part where you should stop reading (or pretend to) while talk to the men for a moment.  As I said before, we are simple.  So this won't take long.


Men... I know it sounds like I've been knocking US.  But I'm not.  We benefit from this logic.  Now, you could stand there and argue that I'm wrong or you can go play golf.  You could completely take this time to disprove everything I just wrote.  While you are doing that, I will be World of Warcrafting my way to victory.  You could debate every one of my points to show the women in your life that we (YOU) have evolved...  But I promise you will be sacrificing the war to win the battle.  Because once you prove that you can do it, you will be proving it every day of your life from here on out.  Let me know how that works out for ya!  But you'll have to leave me a message because they don't like me to have my phone out on the football field.  GO RAGE! (That was an inside joke to my CHAMPIONSHIP winning flag football team.  I MUST tell you that story one day.  Right, honey?)

Real Fatherhood for Dummies

The older I get, the more I realize the books on fatherhood are wrong.  Maybe not wrong, but definitely not completely right.  There is so much that is left out of the books.  I'm sure that's because it would fill an encyclopedia (if you are old enough to know what a REAL set looks like) on just the everyday silliness that being a father evokes.  (To make it more time sensitive) You could crash the Wikipedia site with just the information on what fathers DON'T know.  So I have decided to remedy only a couple of chapters that I would like to have seen when I was thinking about becoming a father.

These are a few amendments to the Fatherhood handbooks.

Chapter 1 - The Why Oh Y-Chromosome - No matter what anyone says, you cannot WILL a Y-Chromosome.  For those who have read a previous post or two, you know I have 3 girls.  And try as I might, I couldn't produce even a measly little Y-Chromosome.  Sure, I'm happy with my girls but that doesn't change the fact that I wanted at least 1 Y-Chromosome to break through the House of Super X-Chromosomes and plant the male flag for all of the world to see.  Apparently, my Ys were just drawing cover fire while the Xs just walked on in through the front door.

To all of the potential fathers... The more you try to make it happen, the less chance that it will.  So don't try to force the Y-Chrome (for short) deal.  Plus, what's the worst that can happen???  All girls???  I have all girls and there is nothing wrong. (That is, of course, if you don't count the uncontrollable twitching and over-analyzing every little thing a boy does when he walks into a room with your girls (Oh, yeah... I'm watching! (And I really don't care that the boys is only 2.)))

So if you have a pre-planned idea on how many boys and girls you plan to have... BURN IT!  It will do you no good.  Just hope/pray for the standard happy and health and be done with it.  You have more important things to worry about like trying to make sure whatever child you have LOVES your favorite NFL team.  (That is a whole chapter within itself.)

Chapter 8 - That was Childbirth?!?!? - I don't care what anyone says... Chilbirth is NOT pretty!!! It sounds good on paper but really loses something in production.  I do agree that it is the most miraculous thing in the world.  Bringing a life into the world is a very precious, spiritual and wonderful thing.  And if anyone tries to tell you that it is a beautiful process... They are lying to you right dead in your face!  Trust me, there is nothing beautiful about it.

And on top of everything else... it's nothing like what you see on TV!  On TV (or movies) the couple is always at the top end of the bed and the doctor is always at the business end of the process.  There is also a sheet or something that is making sure the soon-to-be parents (or the camera) can't see what's going on.  In real life... THERE IS NO SHEET!!!  I wanted a sheet!  A hospital full of linens and we couldn't get one sheet over there.  I didn't need to see all of that.  I would have paid extra for the sun roof, the DVD Navigation and a SHEET! I'm not going to go into detail on this one (I might in a book) because of 3 reasons: One, my wife would kill me. Two, I would lose all 6 of my readers when I started talking about the details. And three, my wife would kill me.  But I will say this...  I'm truly amazed that a women can show everything that is on display in a delivery room and not be the slightest embarrassed but if you even mention the thought of going to the store without putting makeup on...  Well, that's just blasphemy!  Don't get me wrong... Fellas, you should do it once.  If you don't, you will regret missing one of the most important days in your life.  But I'm telling you now, the novelty wears off REALLY quick! I didn't even want to be in the room for the last one but my wife made me.  *AHEM* I mean, I decided to be there for my wife and support her on such a glorious day.

Chapter 34 -The two tastiest thing in the world are the middle finger and the ring finger.  That is according to my 19-month old.  Even tastier than Fruity Pebbles (whatever). Even tastier than the mythical raspberry Jolly Rancher (PLEASE).  And, yes Brian... Even tastier than the Sour Skittles.  Personally, I find this very disturbing.  I can't even lick my fingers after I eat a bag of Doritos.  It just really grosses me out.  So I have to fight the urge regularly to want to just yank those fingers out and explain to her about all of the germs she's voluntarily inviting into her mouth.  Not that I'm a germaphobe but I don't go out of the way to accommodate that germy lifestyle they lead.  Our daughter must have gotten that from her mother.

I made that point just to show that you don't get to pick and choose what your child inherits.  We always like to think (and tell everyone) that our children get their singing ability from us (or our side of the family).  We brag about how we infused (no one actually uses this word) our child with OUR athletic ability.  And when she is making straight As in school we just know whose genes we are witnessing in action.  And we are glad for all of those perfect qualities.  But who's going to take credit for the nose picking?  (I have my guesses on which side of the family that comes from.  But I'm not saying.) And what about the running around the house with a bucket on her head? (I have my suspicions.) And don't forget about the singing off-key and changing all of the lyrics to songs so that they are completely self-serving. (OK. She got that one from me.  But it's just so CUTE.)

So if you think you have some kind of control over what qualities your child takes from you then you need to re-read chapter 1 (above).

Chapter 3115 - Luke... I am your Father (not to be confused with Maury Povich (You are NOT the father)). - The last chapter I would add (right now) is the one that the books can't tell you.  The books don't tell you that you will love your children with all of your being.  The books don't tell you that when they hurt, you hurt.  The books won't tell you that your successes and failures won't translate to your child as much as how you handle your successes and failures.  The books also fail to mention that there will be moments where your child will inspire you instead of the other way around.  The books also leave out that your children will one day do things that make you question everything that you "thought" you already knew.  The books only gloss over the fact that you will lose your Superman status the first time your child comes home with Algebra homework. (Some lose it sooner than others.  They started that mess in 4th grade at my daughter's school.)  The books DO tell you that you should say NO, punish and set boundaries on you child (they call it parenting).  But they don't tell you that you will know they are right, but will feel HORRIBLE after doing so.  The books don't always tell you that sometimes teaching a lesson means more to child than proving your point.  The books also do a poor job at explaining that sometimes you will contradict your family, your friends, your religion, your politics, your financial beliefs and even your spouse in an attempt to do what YOU think is right for the child. And lastly, they will NEVER tell you that even though it's the exact same food... for some reason it tastes much better coming from daddy's plate.  And they're right.