10 Things to Make the NFL Gain a Larger Audience

The Super Bowl is now over.  Some of you watched and some of you didn't.  And that's fine.  We all have different tastes.  But from all of the comments I got on my blog and in real life, I composed a list of "suggestions" that could (should) be adopted by the NFL to increase their audience base.  They are about to start negotiations for the new season so I will see if I can slide these suggestions into the conversation without people knowing it.

1. All team names should be named by kids.  If not all, then at the very least all of the teams with a losing record should relinquish their team naming right to children.  This will insure teams will play hard to try to keep from becoming the Pittsburgh Pikachus or the Tennessee Thomas the Trains or even the Miami Mickey Mouses (or is that Mickey Mice).  In addition to that, they get to draw the logo that will represent the team until they get a winning record.  So some teams, like Buffalo might not ever their names or logos back.

2. With the Go Daddy commercials causing a uproar each season, there's really no other answer to this one but to have some Who's Your Mama commercials.  There's really no company called Who's Your Mama, but with Go Daddy being hugely successful, it's a goldmine waiting to happen.  It would have *ahem* hot men dressed in very classy attire and only showing enough skin to sell internet domains... just like Go Daddy.

3. All games should be played in a dome.  But down the center of the field should be a loooooong Slip-n-Slide that goes from End Zone to End Zone.  That way, a player could really get a good head of steam at the 50-yard line, dive head first and SLIDE all the way to a touch down.  I know you are wondering how they can do that in a dome.  But you would just install a sprinkler system that runs down the middle of the dome.  And after every play they would turn the water on for just a second.  OR, with the NFL being a $9 billion industry, they could just hire people with water hoses to spray the middle of the field after each play.  That should cut the unemployment rate a little bit.  It's all about doing your part to help.

4. To borrow an idea from the other FOOTBALL (soccer) sport, field goals will be completely different.  First you would need to add a soccer net below the field goal posts.  It will be like a penalty kick.  There will be one kicker from the offensive team (the kicker) and one player from the defensive team there to stand in front of the goal.  The kicker will get one shot to kick it into the goal while the other player tries to block it.  The overtime rules could be the same too.  Each player on the team gets to kick and each player gets to defend.

I don't care how old he is.
He still looks 12.

5. All half-time shows would feature some Tween sensation.  I'm not a huge fan of this addition but we are trying to broaden the entire audience base.  Plus, I don't watch the half-time stuff anyway so this won't affect me as much.  But this will be the time for some Justin Biebers and some Miley Cyruses (if she's not in rehab by then) and some Selena Gomezes.  There are too many of these groups to mention but that's a good thing for the league because there are at most 16 games a weekend so they have plenty of spots to fill.  The trade-off, though, is that after they play during an NFL half-time, their songs CAN NOT be played on the radio for at least a week!  The NFL exposure should be enough.  WIN/WIN.

6. Every player's MOM should be sitting on the sidelines with them.  That would stop a lot of the fighting and most of the bad language.  It's hard to talk about someone's mama when their MAMA is sitting on the sidelines.  Also when you get a penalty, the moms get to decide what happens.  You might lose 10 yards.  You might lose the keys to your car.  You might even have to sit in timeout for a play or two.  With all of the NFL players getting in trouble these days, this might be one thing that would save the league as well.  But when a team calls "timeout" they will have to tell the refs which one they mean.

7. End Zone celebrations should be choreographed mini productions.  Right now, there is a penalty for "excessive celebrations" after a touch down.  We need to do away with that rule and give credit to the performing arts.  We would also need to tie some points to the celebration.  The funniest or most creative celebration will get the team some extra points.  And you get bonus points if you do a good job with some of the classics like Fantom of the Football Game (I know how to spell phantom) or a Michael Jackson music video.  You get SUPER bonus points if you get some of the beefy linemen in there dancing and singing too.  The only time there should be a penalty is when the celebration was dumb or unrehearsed or just didn't get the crowd pumped up.  The crowd would also either be given gongs (like the old gong show) or they will be give electronic devices to give stars like the old Star Search.  And if you don't get at least 3 star you lose points.

8. Instead of doing interviews after the game (which I hate), the losing team should be forced to sing karaoke with the song the winning team chooses.  There are no points for this.  It would just be a replacement of the already mandatory humiliating interviews they have to do after the game anyway.  There are only so many ways to say "We played bad.  They played good."  But there are a whole host of ways to sing it!

9. Trick plays should be encouraged.  And I mean plays where you hide the ball under your shirt or you throw it off the back of the head of a teammate or something.  All teams should have to sits through a seminar given by the Harlem Globetrotters on how to perform while playing at the highest level.  The team would replace the Gatorade bath they always give the winning coach with a bucket of confetti.  They would even be allowed to run up into the stand to perform certain skits or even bring people (mainly kids) out onto the field for some more funny hijinks.

10. Lastly... I REALLY like the Ewok idea I posted yesterday.  Who wouldn't want to see dancing Ewoks on the sidelines of football games.  That would truly be worth the price of admission.  You could even dress the Ewoks up in traditional Cheerleading Uniforms.  Does it get any better than that???

I don't know if this list will get everyone interested in the NFL but I'm sure I have sold one of these ideas to SOME people who wouldn't normally watch.  I mean, come on... Ewoks... dancing... looking like cheerleaders???  Anyway, if I haven't sold you on anything here, send me your idea of something that would be good to add to the sport.  I would love to hear some of your creative idea.  And I promise I will not GONG you... Ok, maybe not promise.  But I will try REALLY hard.

(There was a late entry that I would have put in #11 that the NFL shouldn't let Christina Aguilera ever sing the National Anthem again.  But my list only goes to 10 so this is merely an honorable mention at this point.)

This is Your Second Notice (Please Pay Your Attention on Time)

I will be jumping in a few directions today.  Some of you will keep up and some of you won't.  Either way, you can always soak this up at your own pace.  Because I personally HATE when people try to change me and not let me do things on MY time.  So with that in mind... HURRY UP AND READ!

The first NEW thing I have noticed is that I wake up just about EVERY morning with a song in my head.  Some people might think that's cool... It's not.  The song is often loud and it repeats over and over and over... and over to what seems like infinity. Of course it can't really go to infinity.  I'd surely die before then, right?  (I'm still trying to work out the details on this one.  A lot of things are up in the air right now.  I'm still trying to work out NOT dying without turning all glittery in the sunlight.)  But the point is it goes on and on and I can't stop it!  It's not enough to drive me crazy but it is enough to REALLY get on my nerves.

And here's the worst part of this... It's never even a good song!  I don't wake up to good stuff like Prince or classic rock or Evanescence or Old School Hip-Hop or some Motown or really just about ANYTHING from the 80s.  No, it's always those really dumb songs my kids listen to.  It's usually some Lady Gaga mess or some Justin (Leave It To) Bieber mess or some Ke$ha mess or really just ANYTHING from Disney.  (My stomach is turning just from writing the word Disney when talking about songs.  I have to take a moment.  I'll be right back.  And don't even get me started on Kidz Bop junk!)

Most of the time I don't even know the names on the songs.  My mind just decides to pick out the the most annoying parts of the stupid songs and play them over and over.  (And considering the songs, my mind has a LOT of annoying parts to choose from.)  It's playing so much in my head that I'm starting to wonder if I'm breaking any kind of copyright laws in my morning routine.  And if all of that wasn't bad enough... the part that almost makes me want to end my (possibly infinite, glitter-free) life... the part that makes the problem ten times worse... the part that makes me want to do harm to my favorite little cartoon mouse from my childhood... the part I TRULY detest is when the song in my head keeps building and building up to the point of explosion and my mind can't find a way to get it to stop.  That's usually when I freeze in horror because I just caught myself singing it out loud in the shower!  I don't even feel human at that point.  I really wish I hadn't noticed ANY of that.

But enough of that topic.  Let's move on.  Here is another thing I noticed.

The other day I was behind a person who was driving crazily.  (That actually looks weird to write but I think it's proper English.)  The driver was speeding.  He (Yes, honey.  I said HE.  You get your ONE.) was switching lanes.  And it wasn't the normal kind of lane switching.  It was the kind where he wanted to go into the other lane but somewhere in the middle of lane changing he decided that it's too much of a commitment to go into a new lane at this point in his life.  But instead of going back to his original lane right away, he just decided to ride in BOTH lanes presumably waiting for the road to shift underneath him and make the decision for him.  THEN he finally make a choice he can live with and turned the wheel of the car to go back to the original lane.  But when peer pressure, or zombies, or the IRS, or something else (just as scary or convincing) invisibly occupies the original lane, he immediately cut the wheel back and went into the lane he had commitment issues with before.  

(I call this the possum move.  If any of you have ever seen a possum cross the road then you understand what I'm talking about.  I have run over a many o' possums (get it) that have crossed from my side of the road and safely made it to within a foot of being off the entire road on the other side only to look up and see me coming and then deciding the safest course of action would be to RUN ALL THE WAY BACK across the street to their original starting point... on MY side of the road.  And this is really bad to say but I don't even feel bad hitting them anymore.  I'm never mean to a creature but that kind of idiocy really hits a nerve in me.  Plus, after you hit them you can't tell if they are really dead or just playing... well... possum.)

So the guy gets into his lane just as we get to the red light.  He stops a little past the white line that goes across the road telling you this is as far as you should go if the light is red.  But that wasn't a big deal.  We all do it.  Who can stop before crossing that line every time?  But this guy start inching forward.  Now, mind you, the light JUST turned red so it's not turning green any time soon.  But he doesn't care.  He keeps inching and inching forward.  After about 15 seconds of this (I promise you) his whole car is past the white line.  Cross traffic is now starting to slow down because they think they might hit him as they pass.  So I stayed far enough behind him in case he wanted to back the car up in compliance with the law.  He never backed up.  As a matter of fact, he stayed there and might have inched a few more times before the light turned green.  And just to top off everything before the light changed, he threw his cigarette out the window... litterer!

Finally, the light turns green and he takes off!  He gets through the intersection and then cuts BACK over into his original lane.  The person in the car who was ACTUALLY (and not invisibly) occupying the lane had to slam on their brakes to keep from getting hit by this person who obviously didn't care about the law or his fellow man.  I started to think that the person must really have an emergency on their hand and is not thinking clearly at this moment.  But before my mind could finish excusing the crazy driver and giving him the benefit of the doubt, the driver turns into a car dealership.  REALLY???  THIS was the emergency I was about to give him a mental pass for?  Now that I've told you what anyone would have seen.  Let me tell you what I noticed.      

The person who violated at least 4 to 5 laws (in just the 3-minute span that I had seen him) had a HUGE window decal covering the passenger side rear window of Jesus. After watching that scene, I'm pretty sure that's NOT what Jesus would do.  If you are a believer then I understand if you want to display your love for your savior with a gaudy, vinyl testification in your rear window.  It's your right.  I also understand that no one follows the rules ALL of the time.  But this case...THIS case makes me think that if Jesus HAD been in the car with him, he would have gotten out at the car, WALKED to City Hall and filed a Temporary Restraining Order on this person.  I couldn't help but think the guy probably also had one of those "Jesus is my copilot" bumper stickers but Jesus, HIMSELF, came down and scratched that sticker right off of the back of that car.  I don't know.  To me, it's kinda like being a Red Sox fan but going out and buying Yankees stuff.  There is no direct rule against that but if you really have that conviction those actions should make you feel a little dirty.

Well, I guess I will leave you with that.  It was a little hard to write this with the songs going on in my head right now.  But I managed to put the mute on my mind while I finished up.  Now, if I can just figure out how to do that in the shower.